Tag Archive for satire

Dems Team Up With Those Futurama People To Head Jar-Technology Research For Ginsberg Immortality Project

by Mick Zano • November 6, 2017

Portlandia, WA—Liberals are scrambling to find an answer for the steadily right-shifting SCROTUM (Supreme Court: Republican Old-white Trumpian Ultra Morons). Liberals can’t stand having their SCROTUMs shift in that direction, so a team of top liberal researchers contacted the Simpsons/Futurama people with a plan. Together they have assembled the best team of medical, cryogenic and animational-engineers in an attempt to keep liberal Supreme Court judges on the payroll until a proper president can be installed in the Oval Office.

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by Mick Zano • October 27, 2017

Tweet Tower—As the criticism of the federal response to hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico continues, El Presidente has hatched a plot to save the people of that fair territory. President Trump intends to award a 400-million dollar contract to Dominos pizza. In short order, the franchise is expected to set up a chain of pizza shops designed to sustain the people of Puerto Rico indefinitely.

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by Mick Zano • October 26, 2017

Ken Wilber is often hailed as the smartest guy you never heard of. For an ‘integral’ part of his theory, Wilber built on Jean Gebser’s work on societal and evolutionary development, which suggest societies move through levels of consciousness as they grow, ie: tribal, fundamental, entrepreneurial, liberal, infinity and beyond. Buzz Enlightenedyear? Throughout his tenor, Wilber has generally ignored republican antics in favor of lib coaching (Summary Alert: with deeper levels of consciousness, comes greater responsibility). In Trump And A Post-Truth World, Wilber labels the main pitfall of liberals as ‘aperspectival madness’, or how pluralism (moral-relativism) has paved the way for this truthless post-modern landscape. Progressives tend to insist that all perspectives are equal and, in such a world, truth itself dissolves into an egalitarian nightmare. He also points to the onslaught of fake news as contributing to the problem and how search engines are weaponizing shitty viewpoints by trading meaning for popularity. He rails against click-bait, which *cough* reminds me, before reading further please like and share my Man Trapped On Whataburger Roof Calls 911 For Rising Cholesterol Levels.

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by Mick Zano • October 23, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is rolling back his earlier statements to Defense Secretary General James Mattis. A White House staffer suggests the president ‘floated the idea’ of purposely botching a mission, so he could write a better condolence speech for the families of the fallen. President Trump said, “I know how to make the best condolence speech, and I just want to try it out so people will just shut up and let me start another war. Do you have any idea the bump in polls I’d get if I get us into another war? Me neither, but it’s worth a shot, lots of shots. Brings new meaning to the words you’re fired!”

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by Mick Zano • October 19, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Trump is finally shifting to center. He has a plan to pitch some political compromises in the hopes of luring democrats toward his nefarious agenda. The President wants to utilize green energies to increase our military prowess and expand our nuclear arsenal. Trump said, “Just think if nuclear bombs could be created more efficiently, like by wind power. I think that’s something both sides of the aisle can really duck behind. I see a shining beacon on a hill, it’s a military research base powered by solar energy. I see another light on the horizon! Oh, shit …head to the bunkers.”

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by Mick Zano • October 16, 2017

Fortress of Solitude—Earlier today Superman was shocked to find a tribe of Eskimos squatting in his secret fortress deep in the frozen north. The Man of Steel said he could “just spit nails” after the discovery, but then clarified, “No really, I can spit nails now. It’s something I do when I’m bored.” The Eskimos are citing squatters rights and some obscure reverse-imminent-domain law as grounds for remaining in the structure. The tribe reportedly moved into the ice mansion soon after the onset of the filming of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

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by Mick Zano • October 14, 2017

Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump’s twitter account remained at half-tweet today after Russian President Vladmir Putin sent him a gift and a short breakup note. Those interested in employing the 25^th Amendment as a means to end ass-clown’s reign are focusing on how The Donald might react to this ending bromance. Trump’s Chief of Staff, General John Kelly, said, “The President is going to get through this.Thus far he is only lashing out at Iran, North Korea, the Mayor of Puerto Rico, and the poor seeking healthcare. Fine! He’s locked himself in a bathroom again, which normally wouldn’t be a problem, but there are dozens of them in this place.”

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by Mick Zano • October 11, 2017

Holywoody—Harvey Weinstein’s name is being dragged through the mud, and rightly so, but a Hollywood sleaze-ball just doesn’t carry the same weight as Pro-Life Congressman Canned After Urging Mistress To Go ‘Choice’ Herself. Now that’s comedy! As for the Breitfarts of the world, it’s just another false equivalency story. Senator Scheister’s antics always gets brushed aside, so the rightwing can stay focused on every misbehaving liberal in the world. Shouldn’t we be more focused on the height of hypocrisy, aka Republicans? It’s always some sitting congressman, trashing LGBTQ rights by day and hangin’ out at the truck stop restroom by night. Conservatives are the reaction-formation party. “I hate those gay guys, gays are horrible, I see that smut everyday, I’m watching it now …God, that guy’s hot.” It’s always the crusader, who secretly desires what he’s railing against. News Flash: Dear Republicans, you are not the “live and let live” people, you are the “family value warriors” who will eventually be busted downtown at the brothel, in diapers. Look no further than your toddler-in-chief, whose antics will trickle-down soon enough, but not the way you think. But more on that bladder *cough*, later.

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by Mick Zano • October 6, 2017

These libido reducing posters (LRPs) will be covered under Trump wear… *cough* TrumpCare.

Brought to you by the makers of Tums.

by Mick Zano • October 5, 2017

Pittsburgh, PA—Eighth term conservative congressman, Tim Murphy (R-Pa), is in an ethical quandary today after details emerged of an extra-marital affair, a pregnancy, and his rather progressive solution. After bringing Speaker Paul Ryan some Ayn Rand shot glasses, the two talked about the politician’s future in the GOP, or lack thereof. Murphy told the press, “When Republican politicians say the words ‘family values’, we mean it in a ‘do as I say, not who I do’, kind of way. It’s not hypocrisy, it’s hip-ocrisy. See what I did there? Look, it’s an extra marital affair, which means I’m working extra hard for the American taxpayer *cough* …well, with the aid of that blue pill still covered by the American taxpayer.”

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