Initiate Operation Cruz Whistle in preparation for the 2020 election.
Tag Archive for liberal politics
Affirmative Action Program Replaced With Infirmative Inaction
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”
Hospital Where Senator McCain Received Cancer Treatment Admits To Implanting Healthcare Info Chip
by Mick Zano •
Phoenix, AZ—After Republicans failed again to pass their coveted Freedom from Healthcare Act, new revelations have surfaced suggesting liberal health-hackers have hijacked Senator John McCain’s brain. Several credible sources are claiming an implanted chip was discovered underneath the Senator’s recent surgery scar. The data on this chip is believed to have been uploaded directly into the Senator’s brain. The NYTs believes the content of the chip includes several Affordable Care Act infomercials as well as all six seasons of Glee. The recipient of this insidious technology would hear these messages playing out in an endless loop, subliminally and/or in Blu-Ray.
The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time
by Mick Zano •
The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Depression) will continue to play out as the Republican dream dies a painful death. The problem? As long as the Breitbarts, Limbaughs and Hannitys of the world perpetuate the GOP’s ignorance, the final stage, Acceptance, will never be realized. That’s the way the conservative cookie crumbles.
[Fudge stars and stripes joke removed by the editor]
Trump’s Startling DNA Results Leave Out Neanderthal And Sewer Rat
by Mick Zano •
Pence Agrees To Emergency Transfusion To Help Balance The President’s Cerebrospinal Fluid
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—At the top of Trump Tower, to the backdrop of thunder and lightning, two Democratic Senators met secretely with Vice President Mike Pence yesterday. Senators Franken and Feinstein urged Mr. Pence to consider finding a way to help stabilize the president’s erratic behavior. They pitched their daring plot to restore some semblance of balance to the president’s temperament and brain function. Senator Al Franken (D-MN) told the Vice President, “This is not a left right thing, this is more of a the-president-of-the-United-States-is-batshit thing.”
Trump Still Unsure Of Russia Meddling, The Word Collusion, Or Where That Little Bathroom Is Near The Roosevelt Room
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—On Monday Senior Adviser Jared Kushner announced his lack of any Russian connections, any collusion of any kind, or any real interest in Russia whatsoever, up to and including where it is located on a map. President Trump told the press today he is “proud” of his son-in-law’s ability to read a prepared statement as well as his stated lack of map-reading prowess. He then insisted the White House food “sucks” compared to his Mar-a-Lago resort, and how there are “so many bathrooms in the White House, I have yet to #2 tweet in all of them. Sad. #TwitterShitter. Speaking of draining the swamp, I need some Drano here! In the bathroom by the painting of Dolly Parton!”
Ghost Of Barry Goldwater Speaks Exclusively With Discord Ouija Board
by Mick Zano •
Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com
by Mick Zano •
Middle-Jersey—President Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that or have him investigate who keeps peeing on the Keebler Elf tree, but that’s probably just Bannon. This journey is a better one. It should take him hundreds of beleaguers away. See what I did there?”
Trump Threatens Fictional Russian Spy: “You Better Hope There’s No Pictures From Our ‘Date’, Natasha!”
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Known Russian spy and moose fraternizer, Natasha, is back in the news again today after the president directed a series of heated tweets at her. Natasha is believed to have ties to both to the Kremlin and all the Trump women. She is known to send Melania cryptic messages that many fear are either orders or quick family meal recipes. In addition, everyone in the Trump cabinet has met with Natasha several times for fifteen minute intervals, cash only. Half of team Trump is denying the meetings ever occurred, the ones who are admitting to such meetings are denying they talked about Russian spanktions.