In Related News: Trump banned from local library after the Quiet Tweeting Area incident.
Tag Archive for humor
Affirmative Action Program Replaced With Infirmative Inaction
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—The Trump Justice Department is on the white privilege warpath today as Attorney General Jeff Sessions is putting the country’s institutions of higher learning on notice. Sessions warns, “White privilege has been tarnished in recent years by the previous administration. Reverse discrimination is what keeps me up at night, especially those pot-smoking discriminators. Look, we have a duty as Americans to restore white privilege to its former glory, Old Glory as it were.”
Trump Still Unsure Of Russia Meddling, The Word Collusion, Or Where That Little Bathroom Is Near The Roosevelt Room
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—On Monday Senior Adviser Jared Kushner announced his lack of any Russian connections, any collusion of any kind, or any real interest in Russia whatsoever, up to and including where it is located on a map. President Trump told the press today he is “proud” of his son-in-law’s ability to read a prepared statement as well as his stated lack of map-reading prowess. He then insisted the White House food “sucks” compared to his Mar-a-Lago resort, and how there are “so many bathrooms in the White House, I have yet to #2 tweet in all of them. Sad. #TwitterShitter. Speaking of draining the swamp, I need some Drano here! In the bathroom by the painting of Dolly Parton!”
Ghost Of Barry Goldwater Speaks Exclusively With Discord Ouija Board
by Mick Zano •
Sessions Sent On Quest To Find Lost Hillary Emails @MountDoom.com
by Mick Zano •
Middle-Jersey—President Trump is caught between a rock and a cave troll regarding the fate of his Attorney General. If he fires Jeff Sessions outright it will trigger a fire swamp. So aides claim the president concocted a quest for him to retrieve Hillary’s missing emails from the Server King. President Trump told the press today, “It was either that or have him investigate who keeps peeing on the Keebler Elf tree, but that’s probably just Bannon. This journey is a better one. It should take him hundreds of beleaguers away. See what I did there?”
Trump Mulls Lowering The Voting Age After “Crushing It” During Boy Scout Speech
by Mick Zano •
“I want to see every one of you at my next inauguration in 2020. No, really, we have your names now.”
Swamp Thing’s Appointment To Head Homeland Security Deemed A Direct Contradiction Of Related Campaign Promise
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—Donald Trump announced his decision today to appoint Swamp Thing to head the Department of Homeland Security. Many are already calling into question Swamp Thing’s lack of related experience, or the lack of any employment history whatsoever since a laboratory explosion forced him to reside in a nearby swamp in 1972. In a rare comment former President Barack Obama told the Discord, “Let’s set a side for a moment the question as to whether or not Swamp Thing is prepared to execute the duties and responsibilities of this key position, but how did this president ignore the obvious optics?”
Four More Attendees Of Junior’s Controversial Meeting Leaked
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump continues to defend his son’s decision to attempt to collude with Russian officials in an effort to aid his campaign in the run up to the 2016 election. Trump maintains his position that “anyone would have taken that meeting”, but added, “especially from my gene pool.” The president is not at all concerned the list of meeting attendees now includes General Orlov of James Bond fame, Alex Krycek from the X-files, Ivan Vanko from Iron Man 2, and that Russian boxer dude who fought Rocky in the late seventies. Confusing references a bit, Boris and Natasha are strongly denying that Rocky the flying squirrel was in attendance. “That is a load of Bullwinkle,” said Boris.
