These libido reducing posters (LRPs) will be covered under Trump wear… *cough* TrumpCare.
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Tag Archive for funny
8th Term Abortion? Pro-Life Congressman Canned After Urging Mistress To Go ‘Choice’ Herself
by Mick Zano •
Pittsburgh, PA—Eighth term conservative congressman, Tim Murphy (R-Pa), is in an ethical quandary today after details emerged of an extra-marital affair, a pregnancy, and his rather progressive solution. After bringing Speaker Paul Ryan some Ayn Rand shot glasses, the two talked about the politician’s future in the GOP, or lack thereof. Murphy told the press, “When Republican politicians say the words ‘family values’, we mean it in a ‘do as I say, not who I do’, kind of way. It’s not hypocrisy, it’s hip-ocrisy. See what I did there? Look, it’s an extra marital affair, which means I’m working extra hard for the American taxpayer *cough* …well, with the aid of that blue pill still covered by the American taxpayer.”
Trump Unveils Potential Border Wall Prototypes!
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Trump was all smiles today as he unveiled the three potential prototypes for his Great Wall of Stupid. The President told the press, “I call the one that looks like an old Bavarian-style castle, Wall Disney. It’s amazing! Amazing! But I really love the yuuge gold wall design, because, as Ivanka tells me, it will match all regions of the southwest, any season. If we choose that one, I’m using the same folks who installed my golden thrown over at Trump Tower. Great people. The third choice doesn’t look as pretty, but it’s a structure patterned after the wall on Skull Island, the one that kept out King Kong. So it’s bigly durable. I’m really in love with all of them and I look forward to the final selection and then the construction of said wall, by liberals, who will be forced to build this monstrosity. And the Mexicans will be paying for the liberals who will be building the wall …on weekends.”
Latest Trump Mishap: U.S. Sends Relief Supplies To NK And War Ships To Puerto Rico
by Mick Zano •
Tweet Tower—President Donald Trump is blaming his military Generals, not his related tweets, on the latest confusion that resulted in tons of hurricane relief supplies arriving in N. Korea and an armada of U.S. Navy warships being dispatched to Puerto Rico. Kim Jong Un was reportedly “as surprised as anyone” that four supply freighters filled with food, water and medical supplies arrived at the port of Chongjin for target practice. On a happier note, the Navy fleet sent to Puerto Rico has successfully taken the port of San Juan as well as the Hilton, the Sheraton, and the bar area of the Villa Herencia.
While The Climate Is Changing, Republicans Seem Wholly Incapable Of Such A Feat
by Mick Zano •
Despite the ongoing collapse of conservative ‘thought’, each news cycle still brings a barrage of new and intriguing rightwing dimsights. At least Puerto Rico has a storm to blame for knocking it back 30 years, what’s the Republican party’s excuse? Today, as the Antarctic Pine Glacier retreats another 100 miles, the GOP’s brain capacity retreats another 100K neurons. Meanwhile, our President is mulling trade rules that could lead to tariffs on California solar, at the same time his crony, Rick ‘can’t-remember-all-three-things’ Perry, is bailing out coal and nuclear. The juxtaposition is astounding. This would be dumb twenty years ago, but today we have to invent a new word (luckily I have, later in the article).
Hugh Hefner, Best Known For His Cameo In Mel Brooks’ History Of The World Part 1, Dead At 91
by Mick Zano •
Trump Deploys Fleet Of Texas Bass Boats To Puerto Rico
by Mick Zano •
Puerto Rico—Texans responded so well to the aftermath of hurricane Harvey that the White House is dispatching the same gutsy boat owners to deal with the impact of hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. President Trump told the press today that Houston residents are prepared to make the nearly 2,000 nautical-mile journey to the island of Puerto Rico in an effort to save lives. John Miller of Houston said, “We know this is a longer trip, but we also know we’re the only people up to the task. Granted, we’ll have to go through the Bermuda Triangle to get there, but we’ll all be packing heat. So if any of those aliens try something funny—and you know what I mean—we’ll teach ’em a thing or two about our Second Amendment rights. It might not be aliens, because I listen to Coast to Coast AM, but we’ll also be ready for sea monsters, vortexes, bigfoot, or whatever anomalous phenomenon is occurring in that region of the ocean. We are Texans, so by definition we got this shit.”
In Lieu Of Support For Puerto Rico U.S. Drops Thousands Of Trump U Degrees From Helicopters
by Mick Zano •
Puerto Rico—After hurricane Maria ravaged the island of Puerto Rico last week, Donald Trump attempted to survey the damage done by the category-4 storm. Unfortunately his HHS Secretary, Tom Price, had already booked Air Force One for a foliage festival in New Hampshire that same weekend. Despite the travel setback, the President remained determined to do “something for the people of Puerto Rico.” Knowing he would not get any kind of a hurricane relief bill through his existing congress, the President resolved to drop tens of thousands of Trump University degrees from helicopters. “They are all just honorary degrees,” said Trump, “but they do afford the recipients all the same honors. Sadly.”
Plausible Deniability For Dummies
by Mick Zano •
Latest Trump-Tweet Orders Dreamers, Trans’, & Lingering Burning Man Participants To Erect Border Wall
by Mick Zano •
Nogales, AZ—An angry Tweet from Donald Trump has enslaved thousands of ‘snowflake’ liberals for the single purpose of building his promised border wall. The President told the press today, “I said the Mexicans would pay for the wall and clearly some of the folks we detained this week are pretty brown, really brown people. Sure, some are just tan because we picked them up in the desert, but some started out that pigment. We are working with the people at AncestryDeport.com to sort out the real Americans from the wetbacks. Don’t worry, folks, many brown people will be constructing and/or paying for this wall. When the Feds swept the desert at the close of Burning Man, we picked up a whole bunch of progressive flakey, hipster-types, and that’s when I told AG Sessions, ‘Hold onto those freaks. I have an idea…”
[Sharks with firggin’ lasers attached to their heads joke removed by the editor]