Local Parking Attendant Found Dead: Literally Everyone A Suspect
Nowhere, AZ—A local meter maid disappeard under mysterious circumstances yesterday afternoon. She was later found stuffed like a pinatta with her own parking ticket pad. Police are questioning everyone in the town in alphabetical order. Breaking news: all police questioning will occur in reverse alphabetic order since a person named Zano submitted this story for publication.…
Turkeys Still Awaiting Pardon At Final Hour: Trump Insider Claims President May Need All Pardons For His Friends & Family
Tweet Tower—Two turkeys, Ozzy & Harriet, are desperately awaiting word of the president’s overdue pardon. The National Pardoning Ceremony is a time honored tradition, but, thus far in his presidency, Donald Trump has ignored most customs and traditions. The turkeys are demanding the president keep his word and pardon the two before they become the guests of honor…
Army Of Biden 5000s, Or ‘A.I. Joes’, Dispatched Across America
U.S.A, U.S.A!—Shortly after announcing his presidential bid, the Joe Biden campaign unleashed hundreds of overly affectionate robotic surrogates on an unsuspecting countryside. This Army of Artificial Presidential Replicants (AAPRs), or ‘A.I. Joes’, are sweeping the nation. Yes, they have a sweeper feature! In fact, the Veep is so good at cleaning up our streets after…
