Booker Drops Out Of Presidential Race To Spend Time With Family He Doesn’t Have Yet
Newark, NJ—When a reporter asked Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) about his decision to withdraw from the 2020 presidential race today, he said, “I want to spend more time with my family.” After a follow up question revealed he is currently single with no children, Mr. Booker backpedaled, mumbling something about, “Well, more time with somebody’s…
The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time
The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages…
Fact Checkers Requesting Debate Be Extended Through Wednesday
CNN’s Moon Base—The first presidential debate is scheduled for tomorrow night on CNN. The fact-checkers for this much anticipated event are now concerned the 90-minutes allotted will prove “woefully inadequate for the task at hand.” The head of the commission of Presidential Debates, Janet Brown, is requesting 72-hours debate extension, complete with scheduled naps and bathroom breaks. The moderator of the…