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Booker Drops Out Of Presidential Race To Spend Time With Family He Doesn’t Have Yet

Newark, NJ—When a reporter asked Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) about his decision to withdraw from the 2020 presidential race today, he said, “I want to spend more time with my family.” After a follow up question revealed he is currently single with no children, Mr. Booker backpedaled, mumbling something about, “Well, more time with somebody’s…

Specially Processed Swine Food Sparks Global Spamdemic?

San Diego, CA – During a conference on Universal Healthcare in San Diego earlier today, Dr. Sterling Hogbien, of the Hogbien Institute and Minute Mart, unveiled the above map. Created from over fifty cans of SPAM, the map is a cryptic warning of things to come.

“This is what our planet is going to look like by 2014!” shouted Hogbien to a stunned crowd of healthcare professionals.

Among a list of wild assertions, Hogbien insists that Spam is to blame for the current global pandemic. Witnesses report the aged archeologist belted out Monty Python’s Spam song as he was hauled away by hotel security.  The Obama Administration has not released any statement on the matter. CEO of the Daily Discord, Pierce Winslow, is calling for a boycott of all Spam related products, “just in case.”  When asked about his life-sized Spam sculpture fountain that typically adorns the annual employee picnic, Winslow became highly agitated.  He started reciting excerpts of Churchill’s speech and then stapled his tie to his forehead.  President Obama has failed to comment on that too.

The Five Stages Of Republican Grief, Minus Acceptance, Applies To Every Issue Of Our Time

The Five Stages of Grief were conceived by one Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who along with her contributions to the field of psychology also knitted the first Keebler elf flag. Her stages originally applied to the human psyche as we work through the dying process—a process I have mastered during Southside Tavern comedy nights. On the Republican side of the political equation, these stages…

Fact Checkers Requesting Debate Be Extended Through Wednesday

CNN’s Moon Base—The first presidential debate is scheduled for tomorrow night on CNN. The fact-checkers for this much anticipated event are now concerned the 90-minutes allotted will prove “woefully inadequate for the task at hand.” The head of the commission of Presidential Debates, Janet Brown, is requesting 72-hours debate extension, complete with scheduled naps and bathroom breaks. The moderator of the…

The Romney3000 Breeched: Hackers make off with Sensitive Campaign Data!

The Romney3000 Breeched: Hackers make off with Sensitive Campaign Data!

Boston, MA—The security of the Mitt Romney3000, as seen on TV, has been compromised this week.  Hackers were able to gain access to some of the Romney 3000’s secure files while it was in sleep mode.  Romney handlers are not sure the extent of the breech, but warn sensitive data might be in the wrong hands at this hour.

“Thankfully I have nothing to hide,” said one Romney3000 model.  “I have been programmed to avoid any and all scandals and to adapt to any political climate or situation.” 

Original programmers for the Romney3000 envisioned the presidential candidate actually changing skin tone and dialect to match the desired audience.  The Romney3000 is also believed to be capable of adapting to extreme environments throughout the Universe, such as the surface of Mars or Tea Party rallies.

Romney handlers claim a new and improved firewall has been created to protect Romney and his other mechanical helpers.  They are also upgrading the oral filters and improving the linguistic algorithm to avoid any perception of flip-flopping.

When asked about a potential running mate, the Romney3000 said, “Team Romney will choose the appropriate humanoid running mate, preferably one with Windows compatible software.”

Goodstock: Three Months of Jobs, Growth, and Prosperity has Died

Rick Right Pernick

The recovery summer, the love child of Barack Obama and Joseph Biden, has gone to the big government program in the sky.  Little Stimuleena was only three months old.  There will be no open casket for this one, folks.  You could lose your lunch.  Oh wait, you can’t afford lunch anymore.  Nevermind.

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