Washington, DC—Upon vacating the premises at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue on January 20th, the Obamas will not receive the customary $1200 security deposit. The landlord of the White House, I guy named Mel, informed the press today, “The Obamas trashed the place. I haven’t seen anything like this since Nixon was just shitting everywhere on the way out.” Apparently the reasons for the additional clean up costs ranged from broken windows and bullet holes to intentional vandalism and graffiti. “Someone drew a moustache on a bust of Theodore Roosevelt,” explained Mel. “What’s infuriating is how he already had a moustache! I’m sure it was those two little hooligans. We call them Thing 1 and Thing 2.”

When asked if additional fines would be forthcoming due to the extreme nature of the damages, Mel said, “I have half a mind to sue their sorry asses. No really, I just have half a mind. I’m a bit of a medical marvel.”

First my Obamacare rates skyrocket and now this. We’re bringing everything to those Pawn Star people to have everything appraised. We should know more about the overall damages by next week. I could swear there were these fancy valances over the windows in the East Room. They’re gone. And don’t get me started on the kitchen. It doesn’t look like the microwave has been cleaned since the Truman Administration. He loved that microwave.”