Tweet Tower—What is being called Trump’s security detail’s first major failure occurred earlier today. A civilian drone flew passed several slot machines, a cocktail waitress, and several Secret Service personnel, before becoming hopelessly lodged in Mr. Trump’s comb-over. The incident occurred in the casino area of the lobby. Mr. Trump is calling the attack “hair raising” and he plans to use an executive order to have the responsible person or persons flown to Las Vegas, tarred and feathered, and then dropped from the top of the Stratosphere Tower. Trump told the Discord, “I think that would be funny. They will lose a lot of feathers on the way down, so it will be bigly amusing.”

Initial blame for the incident was directed toward Amazon, as the company admits to working on a prototype for a drone package delivery-system. CEO for Amazon Jeff Bezos reports a visit from S.S. members today, during which his wife was ransacked and his office was held at gun point (or vice versa). Trump explains, “We didn’t need a court order because the judge on the case agreed this situation was extreme. It was extreme, so we bypassed the usual judicial stuff, or at least the judge will agree with me after the S.S. visits his family. Yeah, we’re calling the Secret Service the S.S. now for short. It just kind of rolls off the tongue.”

Mr. Bezos is denying any wrongdoing, and said, “An Amazon drone would say Amazon on it, and it would have been transporting a package, which doesn’t seem to be the case here. This is obviously a prank by a private drone owner, but we do plan to cooperate fully with the S.S.’s ongoing investigation, because, well, uh… I think waterboarding is definitely torture. My wife certainly didn’t seem to enjoy it. Is it supposed to be done with tequila? Wouldn’t that be tequila boarding? That sounds more like a fraternity drinking game, but it’s what happened.”