Washington, DC—The Senate outlined the unilateral concession of men today, which will allow women to proclaim victory in the Battle of the Sexes. The news came as quite a shock to those wealthy established Romney supporter-types, but the true effects of this legislative proclamation may have even deeper ramifications for men and their relative sperm counts.
“This has been the longest war,” said Peter Whipped, the spokesman for the National Organization of Buddies (NOB). “That Hundred Year War shit is a skirmish compared to this bitch, which probably started when the first cave woman demanded to stop being dragged by the hair into the cave. It’s been all downhill ever since. Today, more women are finishing college than men and they’re getting better degrees. Yet men are still expected to do all the things our fathers and grandfathers did, plus half the housework and child care. My wife makes more money than me and has me washing her clothes while she and her friends sit around watching football and drinking beer. I fear burps and farts will start occurring within a year. Let’s face it, I’m screwed and you’re next! They’re here; they’re already the head of the household!”
Vice President of NOB, Dick Limper, said, “Women are just smarter than men and they actually care about shit. It sucks. They have been plotting and planning for centuries and I just want to eat chicken wings and catch up on Walking Dead episodes. We’re not thinkers and we’re not planners and now we wear aprons. One day I was watching the tube and my wife speeds off in her new Mercedes after telling me to watch the kids, cuz I’ll be back whenever I feel like it, bitch. Back in the day that used to be me! Well, if you substitute Pinto for Mercedes. Oh shit, I had better get back home or she’ll make me wear the French maid’s outfit again.”
Not everyone is convinced that now is the time to concede. Political activist, Stiffy McTosterone, is forming the Lilly Better off Deadbetter Act in retaliation. Well, it’s not so much an act as a Meetup Group. Their official mission statement is a little demeaning and crude, not unlike The Daily Discord’s. You can see it on their website…(um, my wife only allows an hour of internet a day, so I’ll try to hyperlink to it tomorrow).
Professor Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Barber Shop, said, “We should have seen this coming. All these eons of trying to keep women in their place through religious totalitarianism crumbled into ashes when Nietzsche killed God and then what was left of the Church started raping children. Without that societal control, the dam opened wide and men were no match for these multitasking maniacs. Soon we’ll be little more than second income earners. We will be reduced to sex objects, staying at home with the kids and cleaning the house while our women hang out with their friends, drinking tea, and discussing their emotions like they were important or something. I predict that within a generation all of our sperm counts will reach Congressional levels. Oh excuse me, that’s my wife on the phone. Oh, you need me to…”
I stopped recording here when the professor began to weep. I can’t help but wonder how this decision will change our lives on a day-to-day basis. It remains to be seen, but I’ll let you know as soon as my wife gives me permission to tell you what she thinks I should say. Hey, it’s almost internet hour! Hooray! Oh shit, she’s blocking that site. My spousal control settings and filters are getting kind of strict. Remember porn? I don’t.
