New York, NY—In an unprecedented move, Amazon.com has purchased all the major grocery store chains throughout the United States and Canada. Soon after they will all be closing all of these other companies so that online sales will reign supreme! Many citizens were shocked by this development and became concerned that their family would go hungry, but Amazon quickly reassured them their fear was both unwarranted and unauthorized.

I caught up to Amazon spokesman, William Lynn, and he enlightened me on his corporation’s move. We then discussed, at length, his “why Jesus was a cannibal” theory.

Mr. Lynn said, “Once people adapt to this change, they will fall into a new routine or die, I guess. Zombies, I mean consumers, will just need to figure out all of their foodular needs and order it from Amazon in advance. It will be shipped to their homes in about three weeks. Just think, no lines, no hassle, and less of a carbon footprint. Anyone who doesn’t like this is a nature hater who should be stoned to death for wanting to destroy our planet!”

When I asked him how much weed that would take, he stared and said, “You’ll have to wait until we buy out the drug cartels next month. And back to that Jesus being a cannibal thing, that’s why we are asked to partake of his flesh. Get it? A lot of biblical scholars understand. I think a Gnostic gospel once said, ‘Let there be brains!’ or maybe it was ‘let them eat brains!’—it was something like that. Noah took only two of every creature, so what did they eat on his ark for all that time? What was in surplus? Noah’s kids. Duh. Oh, let’s eat the only two giraffes on the planet. I don’t think so.”

For a different perspective, I discussed this change with a social worker from the Bronx named Belinda Heart. “What Amazon fails to realize is that many consumers aren’t members of PayPal or even have a computer for that matter. Some folks don’t even own smart phones or know how to open email. This could have a devastating effect on those already IBMpoverished.”

Lynn responded by saying, “You’ve heard of Darwin, right? You’ve heard of Gates, right? It’s survival of the techists. They had better step up to the 21st century if they don’t want to eat giraffe burgers.”

Amazon later retracted that statement and replaced it with, “Obama has already expanded his food stamp program to accommodate the technologically impaired.”

Others have voiced concerns as well, such as Abby Arms from the Fitness Impaired Institute of Litigation, Lawyers, Educators, and Defendants (F.I.I.L.L.E. D.). She also works with the Organization of Underachieving Televisionists (O.U.T.). Working together for the first time in history, F.I.I.L.L.E.D.-O.U.T. is taking on Amazon and their e-food challenge.

One consumer said, “I tried this last month but then, on an impulse buy, I spent several weeks eating 31 boxes of Oreo Cookies and 16 cartons of vanilla ice cream. I wasn’t complaining…initially.”

Other individuals and organizations have expressed concern over the foods freshness and have wondered how Amazon will handle postal refrigeration (PF). Amazon told these potential critics to “stop trying to comprehend things they weren’t meant to understand and just watch Fox News.”

Amazon also pointed out how people with lower incomes can buy the Food Kindle, where they will be able to download pictures of any type of food for only 99 cents a pop.

“We should also be releasing a Soylent Green App, hopefully soon. We’re already testing out the prototype in parts of Africa.”

Lynn closed by saying, “Now that we’ve already hastened the demise of such great American icons such as the book, the video, and the record store, the grocery store seemed like the next logical target. Yeah, we already bought Target. After we take over the illegal drug trade, all future restaurant chains and taverns will be online. We have an ale app pending. We also have some lawyers working on making online dating mandatory. Yes, eventually it will be e-Harmony or e-Celibacy. Take your pick. This is an exciting time we live in. Soon the only reason you will have to leave the house will be to work at your jobs, which will allow you just enough money to line our e-pockets.”