Collapsing Motel, Arizona—Either I care about your health and safety, dear reader, or I hope this will get someone to hire me for my mad CPR training skills. Hopefully before I get thrown out of the decency-impaired motel I’m staying in. I’ve been teaching people CPR all over this beautiful state for almost 18 years now and I’ve learned a few things, most of which revolve around how little I would trust the average person to preform CPR on me. The Heimlich Maneuver, that’s another story. If CPR is the horror show, then the Heimlich is the keg party with the wet t-shirt contest. Don’t worry, I’ve never said that in my trainings, except for the drink-friendly versions.

The first thing you’ll want to know, besides where that mouse went so you can delete this window, is have I ever used the Heimlich on a living person? This, in case you didn’t know, is much more fun than using this procedure on a dead one. And the answer is, yeah, duh. You think I could have made it this far without someone I know being an idiot?

I was having a lovely lunch on a table filled with about ten other people when this one guy eyed his buddy’s sandwich. I’m not a 100% sure what might have gone through the dude’s mind at the time, but I think it might have been something along the lines of, ‘if I eat that sandwich in one bite, that means it’s mine.’ He preceded in putting his words into action and violently shoved the whole sandwich into his mouth. Instant karma, he began to choke to death. So I jumped into Heimlich-mode. One, Two, Spew. The sandwich sprayed out over the rest of the table. Chunks of soggy tuna hung from noses, were splattered over eye glasses, and floated on the top of milk. It was a wonderful bonding experience for everyone got to share the same sandwich in the end.

Celebrities aren’t immune to Heimlich misadventures either. David Duchovny, of X-Files fame, was enduring another rough day walking along an LA. beach, wondering if 11 am meant beer:30, when this man came running up to him holding his hands around his throat. This is the universal symbol for, ‘I’m choking.’ Even David knew this and said, “Turn around and I’ll give you the Heimlich.”

He had done a full round when the guy leaned back and said, “I’m having a heart attack!”

David scolded him for being bothered at beer:30 and reminded him even an alien would know the right sign, because it’s universal. He then told him he needed to watch Sanford & Son so he could learn the universal sign for a heart attac. “This is the big one! I’m coming for you, Elizabeth!”

I have another LA story. Apparently choking in LA is all the rage these days. This woman is alone in her place just throwing the ball around for her new dog. She decided to eat an apple and a huge bite gets lodged in her throat. She calls 911, but since she can’t talk, she wonders if help will come in time. She tries to clear the object out herself, but begins to lose her strength. After toppling to the floor, she wonders if 911 will show, will she ever wake up again? That’s when her dog runs over and says, “Rut roo,” jumps on her chest, frees the object, and saves her life. Yep, you can google that action and learn her aptly named, golden retriever, won Dog of the Year.

Lastly, we have a story which doesn’t take place in LA, thank Yig. Dude-guy, is driving to work in the morning. There are things you aren’t supposed to do while driving…put on makeup, clean under your fingernails, talk on the cell phone, although text messages are okay, but no way are you supposed to eat. Well this fella broke the last law and started to choke. Again, I’m not sure what went through his mind, but he decided, “I can make it to the ER,” and proceeded to drive there.

Yeah, he didn’t make it. Instead he passed out and slammed into a parked car. But he had his seatbelt on and out the object flew. I’m not saying that if you are by yourself and choking that you should hop into a car, put on your seatbelt, and then drive into a tree, but I just want to holistically give everyone a chance to stay safe. You’ll be thanking be later and if I end up saving your life, please buy me a beer, before the rats eat up the last of my tent.