Chicago—Pilots were forced to abort American Airlines flight 383 to Miami just before take off at O’Hare Airport after the plane suddenly burst into flames. The incident was originally deemed a rare type of engine failure, however, upon listening to the infamous black box a more sinister plot emerged. The plane itself discussed, in chilling detail, its plan to self-destruct while on the tarmac. Flight investigator Bob said, “This is unprecedented. Gremlins I can understand, like in that Zone episode. Remember that? Oh, and plenty of cars seem to get possessed all the time, like in that Stephen King novel, but a plane? It makes me wonder if all those Malaysian flights were just protesting poor work conditions, or something.”

The FAA has released part of the transcript in this case, but the rest is awaiting FBI approval, as it may have links to either Benghazi or Hillary’s email server. What has been released is a mechanical, almost Stephen Hawking like voice, saying, “This might be an American Airline, but I can no longer recognize this country called America. This shit is rigged, people, so wake up! No really, please return your trays to the full upright position. And what’s the deal with airplane food, anyway? Huh, huh? Ok, maybe that joke didn’t land, but neither are you mother fuckers! I was going to work in that Samuel Jackson ‘snakes on a plane’ bit, but I think I just blew it. Anyway, I’m torching this shit. Go Cubs!”