Washington, DC—All five living presidents attended the opening of the George W. Bush library to what our 43rd President called his new “liberrasey”, which was so badly pronounced even after several attempts Microsoft Word remained suggestionless. 

Bush then added, “The whole liberry thing is mostly scratch-and-sniff and you can talk anywhere you want, even in the quiet sections, because of my ongoing dedication to freedom.”

The Library is complete with a Torture wing, an Unnecessary War wing, and a How to End the American Dream Wing. “And, no, I’m not sorry about anything,” added Bush. “Heck, that’s a wing too!”

An exact replica of Rodin’s The Thinker, only with Bush’s sculpted face, greets arriving visitors. These areas are all displayed to the stunning backdrop of larger-than-life size images of Bush “decid’n stuff” in the background. On the overhead speakers blares a breathtaking rendition of My Pet Goat, just as George Bush recited it to children on 9/11 as lower Manhattan and the Pentagon burned.

The Bush Library is already being sued by the ACLU for actions they consider “unbecoming of a library.” There are strict rules listed on the back of each library card warning visitors that any failure to return material could result in heavy fines, deportation, or even enhanced Dewey Decimal techniques banned by the Geneva Conventions.

“This is my shit,” said Bush. “Paid for by people just like you…well, of the dumb variety, heh, heh. Treat my shit with respect and enjoy the freedom all my decisioning made possible.”