New York, NY—Mayor Michael Bloomberg has received countless packages and envelopes containing everything from sugar, to Splenda, to other dangerous carcinogenic sweetners. The Department of Homeland Sugarity stated many letters were smeared with thicker substances like icing, fudge, and Boston cream. For Bloomberg the most disturbing incident involved a sweetacide bomber, who poured Mountain Dew into the Mayor’s morning coffee. As a result, the Mayor is starting an elite NCIS division (No Confection In State).

Mayor Bloomberg told reporters today, “People who are trying to get me hooked on high fructose corn syrup are going to jail. I am declaring a War on Sweetners. I believe a Jihadist sweetner cell may already be operating in the tri-state area. It’s a fat people fatwa. And if I find the bastard I’m going to suecrose them for every penny!” He then turned to a heckler and said, “Yeah, Fruc-u-tose, sir! And, for the last time, I am not going to Do the Dew, it’s not the Real Thing, and I am certainly not going to Obey My Thirst. Listen up, you roly poly junk food junkies: when you walk out of a Krispy Kreme, I’ll be there, when you smuggle a Big Gulp over the New Christy border, I’ll be there, and by gum…don’t even get me started on gum!”