The South—Let’s face it, the American way of life isn’t what it used to be.  There are more corn byproducts than apples in our apple pies, tornados are targeting our square states, and J.J. Abrams is single handedly destroying all sci-fi franchises with the word “Star” in their name.  Worst still, chaos has crept slowly into our well-manicured backyards.

Remember the fire ant?  They were our frighteningly violent new neighbors. They would pop up in our yards where we least expect it, chew on our electrical equipment, and set fire to man and beast alike with their evil stings.  We loathed them.  We feared Them! And now, we’ll do anything to have them back.

Yes, something is driving out and eradicating whole colonies of our fine six-legged friends.  Enter the Raspberry Crazy Ant (Nylanderia fulva). And we’re not talking about your Aunt Babsy coming home for Thanksgiving with a fifth of vodka. It’s not that kind of aunt.  These ants initially seem harmless enough; they don’t sting and from a distance they travel in stumbling drunken patterns not unlike the Ghetto Shaman after last call.  It makes you wonder how they are even able to find your house at all.  But once they’ve found you—much like Aunt Babsy after that fifth of vodka—it’s impossible to get them to leave.

Sure fire ant stings cause a unique sort of pain that blazes like a million suns and, sure, once in a while someone would die of anaphylactic shock, but they were the psycho-killer insects we knew.  Much like knowing you’ll get mugged in that dark alley, fire ants were in the places we expected. They live in highly visible, politely cone-shaped mounds out in the yard—mounds you only stepped on if you wanted to die. 

Crazy ants, on the other pincher, move in and set up meth labs in the basement. They multiply in rapid numbers, eating everything from wood to insulation to the Discord pot supply (don’t laugh. That could really effect material).  They’re in our yards and our houses, decimating perfectly clean and happy suburban neighborhoods.  I’m back to the ants again; I know the Discord crew can do that too…it’s why I’m distancing myself from them.

What’s worse, the crazy ants are so hopped up on the chemicals that they consume right in our homes—the stuff even the most ruthless fire ant colonies fear—they now seem even angrier and crazier. I’m talking about the Discord staff this time. They need help.

Some reports even suggest these crazy ant MFs are using the insecticide as sustenance.  They’ve also been spotted carrying away small vertebrates…like lizards, mice, and newborn babies. 

A raspberry crazy ant took my baby! Hmm. It does have a nice ring to it.

I’m assuming their recent behavior is to study us and exploit our weaknesses. Did I mention they do have a lot in common with the Discord staff? Now if only they could carry away Aunt Babsy.  She’s passed out on the floor again… and she’s far from being a small vertebrate.

A dingo took my Babsy! Hmm. I can make this work…