Philadelphia, PA—As the CEO of the Daily Discord, I can’t help but throw up a little bit in my mouth each time I kick back and discover another instance where our journalistic integrity failed us, where Microsoft’s grammar check failed us, hell, where even reason itself failed us. Our staff has set up a series of processes to better catch such mistakes moving forward, but for now here are our recent blunders.

Our headline Governor Calls for Special Erection to Fill Seat was simply a typo and in no way implied forced congressional sodomy.  Furthermore, the intern who wrote “Poop Francis” has been fired as I believe the error was punintentional. Speaking of which, if you would like to be an intern here at The Daily Discord, simply hit the Contact Us button. At this point your ability to accomplish that task is the only prerequisite.

Tragically, our headline Barnes & Noble Tweets Hacked by Lesbian Weevils should have read Border Posts Fall into Hands of Syrian Rebels, and I do not employ adverbs lightly. As for our headline, Iran Has Enough Enriched Uteruses for Five Nuclear Tampons, I really don’t know what that was intended to mean. Our field reporter, Cokie McGrath, needs to remember to supplement her IPAs with GMOs.

The focus of this ezine’s shift to videos is no excuse for this rash of flagrant ineptness (RFAs)…and, yes, we are doing away with all of our lousy acronym jokes (LAJs) as well.  Ultimately, it remains my reasonability to correct these errors and I assure I am working tirelessly to delegate more appropriate blame.

Pierce X. Winslow, CEO