Collapsing Shack, AZ—There was a time when a parent’s primary concern involved worrying whether their children might drive too fast, eat too much sugar, or vote Republican. Then, thanks in part to the Ghetto Shaman, drug use and teen pregnancies exploded. Then this last generation started planking, idolizing jackass stunts, and joining crawdad cults. Those issues pale in comparison to this new youth trend; I am talking about the dreaded Taser Party!
The youth of today are purchasing tasers by the thousands, but instead of carrying them to protect themselves from muggers, rapists, and Jehovah’s Witnesses, they are using them on each other for shocks and giggles. Despite the fact that tasering a person can lead to heart attacks, incontinence, erectile dysfunction and dry mouth, many kids are jumping on this bandwagon and shocking each other silly.
I caught up with William Lynn, owner of ‘Shock Till You Drop’, and he shared with me his teen pitch: “Bored, not sure what to do? Are underage drinking and meth finally losing their thrill? Is casual unprotected sex just becoming the same ol’ same ol’? Well, then why not plan a Taser Party? Charge up one of these little babies and tase your friend in the neck when he’s not looking. If he doesn’t like it, just tase him a few more times until he does. It’s hard to enact revenge when you’re unconscious. Don’t forget two for one Tasedays and think of the money you’ll save on electro convulsive therapy!”
When I pointed out that tasering was very painful and potentially fatal, he tased me in the face and threw me into the basement. Then he kept saying, “It puts the electrodes on its skin or it gets the hose again.”
For a week I was forced to eat take-out and perform unnatural acts with his homeopathic taser collection. He let me go only when I agreed to accompany him on a whirlwind tour of the southern states to help him sell tasers, dart guns, and condoms full of formaldehyde outside of the public middle schools. “Good honest work,” he called it.
One concerned parent said, “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my day, but when the laughter of children is replaced by screams of terror as the interior of households light up like a super cell thunder cloud, I just don’t know what to think. Why can’t they just do a line of blow and have underaged sex like we used to do? I’m now hearing of youngsters tossing toasters into bathtubs while their friends are bathing. They believe it’s all good fun, but think about all the money their parents spent on those appliances. Do we really need kids chewing through our laptop cords just to get a buzz?”
Increasing the warning labels has had little noticeable effects on this disturbing trend, even when all electrical devices were covered with statements like:
Friends Don’t Let Friends Tase Their Nuts
Electricity Will Make You Stupid, Stupid
Drugs Not Jolts
This Is Your Brain On Current
President Obama has even gotten involved and pledges to lower the age of consent to 12 and make all drugs legal in the U.S., provided children “stop playing Taser Tag.”
Is there any hope for America’s children? Will we become a country of Seizure Heads and Shock Jockeys? President Obama has a direct message for today’s youth on this matter, “Get out there and hump something, kids! Just not a toaster.”
