Moscow, RUS—The official story from the White House is that a six inch meteorite broke through the atmosphere and landed on the head of Edward Snowden at an estimated 30,000 mph. The security personnel transporting him were luckily uninjured as shortly before the strike, they all needed to go to the bathroom.

Critics of the administration are crying foul, believing this was a deliberate drone strike ordered by the White House. President Obama told critics, “People are killed by space debris all the time. Why I myself was almost struck by a piece of Skylab while I was growing up in Kenya. The trick is to know when to duck and Mr. Snowden apparently didn’t.”

The White House has warned the general populace that targeted meteor strikes are likely to increase in the future due to the effects of both global warming and Republican obstructionism.