Laguna Beach, CA—The republican party became stranded in shallow waters earlier today and was quickly surrounded by sharks and devoured. Witnesses claim the political party became confused and seemed disoriented. One witnesses states, “The GOP was babbling to itself and then blundered into the water, while shouting obscenities directed at a flock of seagulls.” The 80s band Flock of Seagulls, best known for the song I ran, was unavailable for comment.

Donald Trump remains belligerently optimistic. “It’s normal. It happens. Sharks can smell blood in the water and the GOP has been bleeding for a long time now out of… wherever. The sharks must be related to Megyn Kelly.”

The Donald is tamping down claims that he is responsible for the death of his political party. “They have been in trouble for a long time. A long time. That’s why I ran, I ran so far away. Sorry, it’s those flock of seagulls. They keep following me. Trust me on this, when I start randomly nuking shit all across the globe, the republican party will get itself back on the map, or blown off of it. I’m sure it will be one of the two. Fucking seagulls!”