North Pole—As the North Pole turns into a giant frigid pool of water, Santa Claus is furious with the White House for ignoring his ongoing plight. Santa told reporters today, “The Land of Misfit Toys is underwater and it’s high tide over at my main workshop. Obama bails out everybody except the guy who brought him a train set for this 11th birthday. What a douche. F the polar bears, I’ve got elves up to their eyeballs over here…which, granted, doesn’t take much.”

Santa Claus is threatening to suspend all Yule time activities until Obama agrees to unilateral talks with Kringle Inc. The soggy old elf is also threatening to do a spot on Fox News. “This is all part of the liberals’ War on Christmas and, what makes matters worse, my workshop was never insurable in the first place because it was built on an ice floe. I know a bunch of insurance company personnel who are getting coal in their stockings this year. Clean coal, of course, I don’t want to lose more ice.”