Montauk, NY—The Snell Brother’s Marina extended their deepest sympathies to the Kendrick family after Doug and Melinda Kendrick were devoured by sharks in an area of the Long Island Sound known as Plum Gut. The Coast Guard and local authorities are closing the marina for what they are calling “flagrant violations of their boating and marina manual.” The ill-fated honeymooners marked the 111th and 112th death since the marina opened last month.

The Marina’s manager, Aaron Snell, told the Discord, “We thought if we smeared our customers in snapper heads and entrails, they would get to really appreciate some of the larger, majestic sea life in this region.” Mr. Snell later added, “Incidentally, we weren’t wrong.”