Flagstaff, AZ—Maloney’s Pub, located in historic downtown Flagstaff, has been a local favorite for many NAU college students unfamiliar with the taste of good beer. The origins of the smell—which patrons describe as a stale uriney, frat-style vomit—remained a mystery, until now…

ISIS marketing coordinator Abdul Abdul Abdullah explains, “Radicalized odors are all part of our new approach to jihad. Eventually we would like to hijack all of the senses of the Great Satan and then fly them into the faces of infidels across the globe. Only Allah nose the truth. Get it?! Hah!”

The U.S. led Counter Odorist Coalition Kahunas (COCK) hopes to win the War on Smells, but President Obama offered a stark warning today. “Not all of Islam smells, just radicalized splinter smells and their hired stenchmen. Our intelligence agencies are convinced ISIS now has the capability to weaponize skunks. Fear not, the United States and its allies will thwart this threat and restore law & odor to those areas of the Middle East devoid of Netflix.  We will neutralize these odors as our military engages in Operation Freedom’s Febreze.

Many Republicans are condemning the move, claiming the President must seek Congressional approval before employing any air-freshener assaults or establishing any no-smell zones over parts of Syria.

Senator John Q. Republican said, “This doesn’t address the real problem, it just makes it smell nicer. The only thing that stinks is how Obama has handled this situation. And he’s going with meadow? I will only vote for sandalwood, or something in the vanilla family. Choosing the namby-pampy fragrance ‘meadow’ shows, once again, how Obama is not serious about the malodourous threats our country faces …uh, that our faces face, well, that the nose on our faces face.”