Washington, DC—No one was more surprised than President Obama when a letter arrived at the White House stating he could no longer stay covered under his existing insurance policy. The administration is currently scrambling to use the Healthcare.gov website to find the Obama’s suitable coverage.

The President minced no words, “I want to say for the record that if I was eligible for Obamacare my children could have stayed on my policy until they were 27, which is clearly an advantage for those 11-people who qualify.”

Obama admits he spent “endless MFing hours” logged onto Healthcare.gov trying to sign up for a comparable plan, but he is confident he and his family will be enrolled by the January 1^st deadline. Obama emphasized to his Secret Service staff the importance of keeping the Obama’s safe during this uncertain period and he may be forced to cancel his next 47 vacations overseas. He recommends average Americans having trouble enrolling do likewise.

The President is denying allegations he is considering the authorization of drone strikes against certain Healthcare.gov servers as well as the District of Columbia’s state exchange itself. “Preposterous,” said Obama. “I am hoping the threat alone will suffice.”