The Heartland—In those predominately red states, where teachers are now packing heat, schools are finding “significant increases in the handing in of homework assignments.” While bullying and other behavioral issues remain at an all-time low, better grades and participation keep rising.

Mr. Hiatt of Springfield Middle School said, “No one sleeps in my class, ever. It’s awesome. The threat of being shot in the face is really having a positive impact on overall testing performance as well.”

Thirty seven percent more students are needing behavioral health and mental health support, but the NRA is calling this increase “regrettable but acceptable.”

“We want firearms to simply be a deterrent,” said NRA President Wayne LaPierre. “We are not looking to have kids shot by their teachers for not doing their algebra [creepy laughter], especially when nine times out of ten a warning shot will suffice. And nine out of ten is 90%. I know that because my teacher cold cocked my ass when I was learning percentages.”