Ottawa—Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudaeu announced today as many as 40% of the recently relocated Syrian refugees have already frozen to death. The challenge of transitioning individuals from a desert region to the great white north has proven too great for many. The Prime Minister was saddened, yet confused by the news: “We gave every one of them free season tickets to the nearest ice rink as well as all the Canadian Ice beer they could drink,” said Trudeau, “I don’t know why so many died of exposure, between periods, right by the snack bar. The real tragedy is how most of them missed what turned out to be a fantastic overtime.”

Meanwhile, Senator John Q. Republican was quick to thank Trudaeu for his efforts. “Canada has the right idea. Turning all those unwelcome refugees into Syriancicles, or ISIS-pops, is clearly the way to win the War on Error. We’re calling it the Big Chill.”

[Ben & Jihad’s Chocolate Fudge Fatwa joke removed by the editor]

President Obama offered his condolences to the Canadian Prime Minister today and added, “This is precisely why the U.S. needs to consider relocating our own Syrian refugees to warmer parts of the country, like Arizona.” Many are concerned the American southwest poses its own problems for this population. Congresswoman Ann Kirkpatrick (D-AZ) said, “I am afraid the Syrian refugees not forced into slave labor to build the Great Wall Of Mexico will be hunted down by the likes of Sheriff Joe Arpio, Putin-style. And, if photos surface of him hunting refugees shirtless, I am resigning from public office.”

Fox News came out in support of the Canadian anti-Syrian initiative and promptly regurgitated a series of recycled talking points, such as: We will be greeted as refrigerators; We need to freeze them over there, so we don’t have to defrost them over here, and Read my lips, no new towelheads.