Early in the 21st century, Republicans decided to untether themselves from reality, or more accurately, someone decide for them. Fox = news and morality = pews so no critical thinking necessary. How do they continue to gain seats with this record? Amidst the Age of Information, how have they dragged such a large faction of our country into delusion? Bill Maher recently asked, “did this crazy base always exist or have their numbers swelled through Fixed News and the like?” I think it’s a little of both. We all know someone who still says: had we only used bigger bombs in ‘Nam, or if we’d only kept those “gains” from The Surge in Iraq, or if we’d only ignored Watergate and left Nixon alone …so he could focus on Benghazi.

Let’s face it, the war on Christmas may be exaggerated, but The GOP’s War on Math remains in full swing. Fibsonacci? Mythagorian theorem? If you recall, Republicans never actually gave a shit about deficits until they broke the world economy in 2008. Then they started a Tea Party, shaved off a few more IQ points, and then promptly blamed the black guy. The rest is history and, incidentally, so are we.

How has our supposedly fiscally-minded party managed to accumulate the bulk of our country’s deficits, pre-collapse? Try Googling ‘deficits by presidents.’ I would triple-dog-dare you, but I fear many of our Foxeteer friends would end up getting their tongues stuck to some Gallup poll.

They never noticed how their supply-side economic model, well… blows. Or, how their few masturbatory periods of U.S. history were less “trickly” and actually more Bernie. Or, how they accumulated this debt while cutting entitlements for those most in need. As if giving all of our nation’s wealth to a handful of people is somehow benefical. As it turns out, it actually is …to those aforementioned handful of people. Or, how their views never swerve an iota from the Mr. Burnses of the world,  who ultimately tell them what to think. Oh, and despite forever gutting entitlements, Republicans never noticed how they are the ones who tend to need them the most. You see, we have those numbers too. I would say your days are numbered, but that would likely result in more mathmatical ambiguity.

“Bullshit! The last collapse was all about Fannie and Freddie, which was a liberal idea!”

—John Q. Republican

No….and we have those numbers too. After the Republican mess, they never noticed how any country or state unfortunate enough to follow their strict austerity guidelines (from Kansas to England) are still screwed. I don’t pity Kansas, as Bush’s approval ratings remained 70% on his way out the door (and they don’t even smoke pot). They never noticed how Dems historically either reign-in overall debt or at least improve the deficit to percentage to GDP. Republicans do neither, yet the myth persists of their fiscal prowess. These points are verifiable through things called numbers.

“I don’t believe that! You can twist numbers any way you want!”

—John Q. Republican

They never noticed how at some point their precious capitalism slipped away into super-capitalism (hint: super doesn’t always mean great). Or, how their War on Drugs wrecks lives, costs money, and has proven grossly ineffective. Kidding, it made us #1 globally in incarceration rates. Oh, and they managed to accomplish all of this while still increasing overall drug usage. 4:20 anyone?

Or, how their military interventions wreck lives, cost money, and have proven ineffective. Kidding, they helped create Al-Qaeda and ISIS. They never noticed how their approach to conflict increases the effectiveness of recruitment efforts while simultaneously wasting more lives and treasure….well, I suppose that’s as close to multitasking as these folks get. But can they Scott Walker and chew Frum at the same time? Sorry, it’s the 4:20 talking.

Bin Laden had a plan and Bush Jr. fell right into it. He wanted us to become a “shadow” of ourselves. So for many years, our tall bearded friend was dancing the jig …until the bullet entered his brain.

“That was thanks to Seal Team 6, Mother Fucker!”
—John Q. Republican

Yes, hat tip to the seals who were authorized to enter Pakistan—a soverign nation with nukes—to the backdrop of Republicans calling such a move “naive”. Do you ever get sick and tired of being wrong? Oh, that’s right…you never noticed.

Republicans never noticed how they are recruitment tools for jihadists, or, more likely, just tools. They will also fail to notice in the years to come how harassing American Muslims and bombing mosques will turn out to be the opposite of helping. Yes, that’s on the horizon too, folks. They never noticed how their entire stunted ideology is little better than their enemy’s. Recent polls show Republicans are more supportive of collateral damage than Middle Eastern Muslims. Meanwhile, seventy thousand Muslim clerics in India just signed a petition condemning terrorism. For John Q. Republican that number “is just too high”. And, when we do finally quell ISIS (and we will), it will only act to help Iranian and Shiite radical groups in the long-term. Ayatollah you so… The Middle East is complicated and Republicans are simply not. They never realized their crowing achievement, The Surge, was a series of bribes at an opportune time during the ethnic cleansing phase of Bush’s Operation: Suck and Stammer.

Hint: If the best part of your last president’s actions involves the words “ethnic cleansing” even Charlie Sheen isn’t going to think your winning.

The Iraqi Army never “stood up” (although I admit they do stand before dropping their weapons and fleeing). They never realized how Joe Biden’s plan to carve Iraq into three separate pieces was the only viable one. Remember not liking that one either? Three factions/three separate countries. Perhaps counting to the #3 is too hard for people constantly stepping in number #2.

Obama’s weak? Obama’s a pussy? Sorry folks, we need brains not brawn to win the day in the Middle East. Yet, on the cusp of 2016, we remain one well-timed terrorist attack away from a clown-car super-majority (CCSM). Almost every Republican in this country thinks there’s a military-only solution to the Middle East, said no general ever. I can’t wait to Cruz to victory. No, really, it’s a brewery in Downingtown, PA. What did you think I meant?

We weren’t greeted as liberators, the “towel heads” didn’t run to the hills in 2003. Iran actually did let us into their facilities and China not only acknowledged Climate Change, but may well lead this effort. Eventually, our conservative friends may even realize that Jesus didn’t actually want us to trash the place. Ecclesitrashstes: Chapter Done? They never even noticed how their pro-life policies are actually pro-fetus and anti-child. Hell, if there is a 2nd coming in the works, Jesus Be Like:

 

 

Sorry folks, no one will ever try to take your guns no matter how many mass shootings you fail to foil. There will never be a more extensive Great Wall of Stupid across our southern border, as it will hinder the Mexicans who are trying to leave. Nor will we deport nine million immigrants on buses, you’re thinking of Katrina …and those buses are still underwater, much like your economic policies.

Oh, and how come Republicans never notice how my predictions come to pass? Kidding, there was that one time…in band camp.

As staunch Constitutionalists, they never realize how, post 9/11, they paved the way for NSA wire tapping, secret bases, secret police, and the permanent suspension of haebus corpus. Or, how their own assaults on the Constitution were so egregious it led to Jose Padilla being pulled off the streets of Brooklyn. He was detained without a warrant before he was tortured into permanent mental illness, just the way our Founding Fathers envisioned.

The Republicans still don’t realize we need to shift away from fossil fuels, even after our president (IN THE F-ing 70s) warned of the consequences if we did not. They still think fossil fuels = good and alternative energies = bad. They never noticed how they are invariably on the wrong side of history. They never noticed how the social accomplishments they cite as victories are all pre-Civil War, when the platforms of our political parties switched. You really think you were the progressive thinkers in 1850? …uh, if that’s the case I think you’re losing the War on Drugs worse than I thought *cough*.

The Republicans never noticed how their legacy is marked by debt on the home front and a slew of bungled wars abroad, yet the myths persists. Their party is tracking further wrong, not right. This is the post-truth world I warned you about. They have never even noticed how history has always judged them harshly, from Nixon, to Joe McCarthy, to Bush, to God forbid, President Cruz. This becomes amplified further when the last of their poison-penned spokesdouches die off. Who defends these people fifty years later? No one, yet there’s always the next avatard. They never noticed how truly fascist their thoughts, their interventions, and their candidates have grown. Nuke yourselves.

I am predicting things will be a little different this time. When climate change becomes undeniable (as if it isn’t already), when our ecosystem is laid waste… that is the day when we will all look back to those barriers to change. Not just America, but the world will blame that last faction, that last group who failed to acknowledge what was staring them plainly in the face. The sting from sea level rise and mass drought will become so great in the years to come that I am convinced even they will finally notice. Kidding, they’ll have some bullshit response. They always do.

“You can’t do anything with ocean levels!”

—John Q. Republican