Plains, GA—Former President Jimmy Carter was recently diagnosed with a malignant melanoma. Many on the right have therefore concluded he was a goner and called him such names as, “The Neville Chamberlain of Malignancy” and “Weak on Cancer.” The 91-year old has proved them all wrong again as his last test indicates he is now totally free from the disease. Carter explained the details of his political move to the press: “We all get one last executive order on the way out the door. Bush Jr. used his to avoid being tried as a war criminal, Clinton used his on the other intern incident, and Nixon used his on a cloak of invisibility. You got to hand it to Tricky Dick. I guess he wanted an encore to that 18-minutes of lost tape.”

When pressed further about the details of his own executive order, Carter said, “Well, I was holding on to mine when my wife suggested, ‘Jimmy, why not use your last order on banning GMO peanut butter?’ And that’s when it hit me. I said, Lady Bird…oh wait, that was Lyndon’s wife…boy, I feel like such a Johnson. Anyway, I said, Rosalynn, I’m going to use it to veto my cancer.”

When asked about his seeming unstoppable resolve, Carter said, “I’m going to be honest. I heard some Fox News fellows guessing I would be dead within a month. That’s when I snapped my fingers and said, BINGO! Sorry to swear like that, but that’s when I realized I was going to live. You see, republicans never get anything right, so it was like a new lease on life. I even asked Bill Kristol over at the Weekly Standard to write a feature on my impending demise. He told me to go BINGO myself. He’s like that, you know. He’s kind of a Johnson, if you ask me. Oh, but on the way out thankfully Rosalynn flipped him the old Lady Bird, feisty girl.”