The Japanese Coast Guard has ruled out Gamera, the giant flying turtle, mainly because he vowed never to return after his last film totally flopped in the box office. In his defense, Gamera the Brave (2006) did really suck. Mothra is generally considered to be a good monster and only occasionally sinks ships. These incidents typically occur when he mistakes the vessel’s standard navigational beacon as a giant porch light.

The Prime Minister of Japan is completely stumped, “Why won’t Americans learn the metric system? It makes so much more sense.” In the culturally insensitive version of this post, he also said, “What is wong with you woosers!”

Nuclear engineer Homer Simpson of Springfield said, “On a good note, the crude oil from the ship is likely to have absorbed .0000000001 percent of the Fukushima radiation.” When someone explained to how the tanker was empty at the time of the explosion, Mr. Simpson added, “Doh, doh Godzilla!”

After his remarks Mr. Simpson was later sued by the band Blue Öyster Cult for copyright infringement…after which he may have added a, “Doh!”