Manhattan, NY—President Perry launched a preemptive strike on the United Nations headquarters earlier today. Perry is calling the collapse of the nearby Queens Midtown Tunnel “unfortunate collateral damage.” President Perry went on to say, “There are three reasons I leveled the United Nations today: 1. it’s becoming increasingly clear the U.N. does not have the sole interests of America in mind. 2. they keep calling the death of every last Gazan “Israeli genocide”—which is simply not the case as several Gazans are still alive in prisons and museums—and number 3…. ah …umm. I think it had to do with midtown parking.”
When further questioned about the QMT collapse, Perry said, “NYPD tapped on the tunnel five minutes before the explosion. They all received the ‘Netanyahu Knock’. Those who chose to remain in the tunnel after that time, during bumper-to-bumper rush hour traffic, were in violation of the law. So the fact they were all crushed and/or drowned is on them.”
In related news, The Perry Administration has dropped all investigations on NSA spying and CIA torture in favor of a 57th special committee on Benghazi. “57 has always been my lucky number,” chuckled Perry. “There are just too many unanswered questions in 2023, questions I’m sure Vice President Cruz will come up with before the hearings.”
Perry shrugged off criticism that the combined cost of these committees have now topped the combined economies of the poorest 32 nations of the world. “Nonsense,” said Perry. “Poor countries would love to have all these special investigative hearings. They’re just jealous. Four Americans died in Benghazi and we don’t even know if Hillary ordered the attack. I don’t even think we’ve asked that one yet. Someone write that down.”
When a reporter attempted to ask a question about Global Warming, he was shot in the face by Secret Service. “Yes, we are losing coastal areas to what I am calling oceanic aggression. I’m not a scientist, but many on my side of the aisle feel tidal extremism is caused by socialism. We’re losing sand, Bernie Sanders, there’s a connection in there somewhere. We can only win the War on Water via increased fracking and the construction of the Keystone Pipeline VII. We can’t let the oceans dictate our energy choices. That’s not freedom. Besides, coal plants are now doing their part by offering free gas masks for children and our senior citizens.”
When questions turned to our nation’s economic woes, Perry said, “Obama’s global economic collapse of 2008 remains an important lesson, but with a very healthy .2%, and republicans back at the helm, shit should start trickling down any minute now.” The President then gazed toward the sky, held out his hand, and repeated, “…any minute.”
He then touted his signature legislative achievement, Trump-Limbaugh, which helped deport Obama and his family back to Kenya. He then concluded, “I don’t want people to keep complaining that since the closing of the FDA one in ten food products contain either salmonella or botulism. Think about the nine food products that don’t! Nine out of the ten is an A in Texas. And, remember, today is a great day to be an American, but today is also almost over, so please adhere to all curfew restrictions and Cruz Laws. In the name of freedom, go home and stay there. Those homeless among you should report to your nearest Reagan Shelter for processing.”
