Washington, DC—President Barack Obama is expounding his plans today, in hemorrhage and diarrhea filled detail, to “wipe out” ISIL. The U.S. military will begin to transport final-stage Ebola victims from Africa to the Middle East, en masse. These “volunteers” will then help the forces of good by plummeting thousands of feet before exploding and hopefully infecting the forces of evil.
President Obama told reporters today, “I am calling these brave warriors my Coalition of the Falling. You can’t destroy ISIL through any conventional military strategy. Certainly my shit-show of a predecessor taught us that much, but I have some pretty cool tricks up my sleeve. And sometimes these tricks involve dropping a steady stream of Ebola Infected Nigerians from planes like rocks, or E.I.N. Steins as I call them. Hah, hah. Sorry, it’s a German joke.”
U.S. Generals are supporting the idea of relocating those suffering from the final stages of the Ebola virus onto ISIS-controlled bases and towns. “It’s just crazy enough to work,” said General McInerney. “Many are calling this innovative form of disease transmission, Smashogens, but I call them Splatriots. I have to admit I never liked this president, until now.” The General may have added the words, “You go, girl!” but that part of the audio was muffled.
Critics claim this may well increase the spread of Ebola to innocent victims, but Obama said, “F ‘em. Sure it could spread to the wider Middle East and the five rational beings who live there, but who cares? Yeah, I’m sure life under ISIS without a head would have been truly wonderful for that sane handful of people. Besides, we passed out leaflets that clearly stated, if you’re standing next to an ISIS member, please don’t. They had their warning.”
When asked about the inhumanity of pushing people from planes to their death, Obama said, “The hospitals across Africa are really grateful we took these folks off their hands, you know, so they can concentrate on not saving the next group. Thanks to the magic of Obamacare and big Pharma, we are giving these folks enough opiates to pickle a moose. This will be the last ride of their lives so it’s win win!”
Republicans are calling for Obama’s impeachment, but only because that’s really all they do. This tactic is actually impressing the McCains and the Grahams of the world, who may have actually said to the President, “You go, girl!” but that part of the audio is muffled.
