The first Republican debates will be held later today in Cleveland. Yes, you heard right, home of the Drew Carey Show and the Cleveland Browndians. Sorry I don’t follow sports, especially in Ohio. The debate will be hosted by Fox News and only the top ten polling candidates are invited to play. I plan to break each winner into a separate feature, but first let’s look at all of these folks and the rhetoric that makes them great…for a comedy site. Some fear that no meaningful discourse can result from having ten people on a debate stage, which is a ridiculous view. It’s a republican debate, people! …when has there ever been any meaningful discourse?
Jeb Bush
Jeb Bush is second in the polls to The Donald, but he will always be first banana to me. Trailing Trump is not remotely embarrassing, not when you consider who his brother is. Bush has a proven track record as Florida’s Governor. During his tenor both alligator deaths and alligator-related deaths were up. Apparently his Stand Your Ground Laws didn’t end well for most Floridians strolling along swampy embankments. Lest we forget, some of the good gun-totting folks who did manage to shoot the alligator before bleeding out or drowning. Bush is a moderate republican and that means, not only will he lose the nomination, he barely fits in his clown suit.
Scott Walker
It’s never funny to compare anyone to Hitler, unless they’re Scott Walker, in which case it’s Hitlerstyrical! Seriously, in the 21st century Hitler comparisons should be limited to Ann Coulter and Mel Brooks movies. One day we will follow our own advice. Governor Walker has also been polling very high and, like Bush, his governorship is viewed favorably by Republicans…from other states. He hates taxes, unions, environmental regs, and gun regs. He’s already closed Planned Parenthood in his state and replaced it with the Walker Youth Movement. Heck, he’s so far ahead of the game he’s yelled Bingo, Yahtzee and I sank your battleship before anyone can even explain he’s playing scrabble.
Rand Paul
Rand Paul has lost his mojo lately, but as the Tea Party darling he’d better get his crazy on. I recommend staring into Michele Bachmann’s eyes for several hours before the debate, on bath salts. Rand confuses republicans because he occasional makes sense. He’s a staunch critic of the Patriot Act, which leaves many scratching their heads. How can someone be patriotic and be against the Patriot Act? Does not compute. Most of his libertarian base are actually just hold overs from his father’s campaign, but Rand does have the advantage of being named after republican heart throb, Ayn Rand. He too is likely a bed wetter and abusive to animals. To further confuse his fan base we dressed him as a founding father as he gives a fiery speech condemning all things patriotic.
Ben Carson
Ben Carson, aka Dr. Evil, is a bit of an enigma. He’s black, he’s republican, and he’s a brain surgeon. If you don’t think that makes any sense, you should see his stance on healthcare. As a famous neurosurgeon he once successfully separated twins conjoined at the head. This makes him specially qualified to separate the group think, uni-brain thing so prevalent in the republican party. One down, 87 million to go, Dr. Evil…uh, I mean, Dr. Carson. He became wildly popular after trashing the President during a breakfast prayer in 2013. Leave it to The GOP to find the only crackpot neurosurgeon. You remember that premise, 9 out of 10 doctors believe? Yep, they found Bo Derek. Hey, maybe he can make that ‘one’ climate scientist his running mate.
Marco Rubio
Marco Rubio has no chance of becoming president, but only because early last week he posed for this PhotoShopped Discord image with Napoleon Dynamite. Rubio hails from Cuba, but he hates Obama’s decision to lift the embargo. Also, he’s so against the Iran deal that his campaign dropped leaflets on Tehran saying: If you pursue nukes, when I’m president I’m going to give your country an atomic wedgie. This will be like the worst sanctions you’ve ever experienced times ten! The Rubio campaign has since added that no acts of violence are off the table, including the Purple Nurple or the dreaded Wet Willy, both banned by the Geneva Conventions.
Donald Trump
The best coverage on The Donald is, of course, on The Discord: “I think you fed The Donald a little too much red meat this week,” and “This is what you get for weaponizing stupid!” Never were truer words spoken, except maybe during our Christopher Lee tribute, here. The Donald phenomenon is interesting because he will pull the other nominees away from their talking points. This is interesting because it’s all they’ve got. He will expose much of the cancer inherent in the republican party. I’m hoping in the process he kills the patient.
Ted Cruz
Ted Cruz has proven he’s a conservative’s conservative. As the head of the Committee for Scientific Advancement he has all the right stuff. In fact, he’s so far right he needs to look left and squint through the Hubble telescope just to see Grover Norquist’s Tax Pledge. He once spoke for so long during a filibuster on Obamacare that even Joe Biden was impressed. But Ted Cruz has a problem…just look at the guy! Sure he’s been successfully courting the radical batshit vote (RBV) of the republican base, but a recent development has made this strategy less viable.
“And I would have gotten away with it to, if it hadn’t been for you meddling Trumps!” —Ted Cruz
Mike Huckabee
Mike Huckabee carried eight states in his 2008 primary run, but, keep in mind, these are the states that still think Jesus rode dinosaurs. This is a ridiculous premise. We all know Jesus enslaved the reptilians to build his pyramid reactors. Don’t you watch Ancient Apostles? Do I have to teach you people everything? Many consider Huckabee a charlatan, but only because of his questionable business practices and his fundamentalist schtick. Funny how everything he supports flies in the face of the teachings of Jesus, Pope Francis and the rest of the Ancient Apostles.
Chris Christie
Where to begin? Chris Christie looked like he was a shoe in to be the next Howard Taft, but then two scandals rocked his world. Bridgegate soured his candidacy with the sane and Hug-gate soured his candidacy with the insane. Yes, he hugged Obama in the aftermath of superstorm Sandy. You don’t overcome something like this in the age of the Photoshop. He should have taken notes from former AZ Governor Jan Brewer. She knew how to greet a sitting president batshit style. Loser! Besides, although he’s a creep, Christie is very popular with people in his state…well, f you turn the chart upside down.
John Kasich
John Kasich is the Governor of Ohio. I enjoyed his recent interview with Sean Hannity. Kasich discussed his rationale for expanding Medicaid in his state, thereby backhandedly embracing Obamacare. Hannity really wants republicans to take Ohio in 2016, but he also wanted to jump off his chair and punch Kasich in the face. It was awesome to watch and one of the rare instance I enjoyed listening to Sean speak. I think Kasich isn’t overtly ignorant, so he has no place in the republican party. This falls short of an endorsement. Whereas I agree the smartest republicans are generally governors, it’s kind of like being the fastest snail.
Now a special tribute to the people who couldn’t even make the cut, against these people.
Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Carly (Rickky) Fiorina as well as Rambo himself are in trouble. Their campaigns are off to a shakier start than a J.J. Abrams film on a Tilt-a-Whirl. We just couldn’t let them off the hook this easy. Remember, there’s no real losers here in this group. Of course, there’s no real winners either. At least not if you’re talking about the 2016 election. We were rooting for these folks but only because the images were sooo funny. Thanks for your Photoshop prowess on this one, Greg. Enjoy.
