The Heartland—According to a recent poll, Dick Cheney and the rest of our not-ready-for-prime-time citizens now condone torture. Cheney defended his use of enhanced interrogation techniques by saying he would “do it again in a minute.” This turned out to be another lie as new allegations suggest he has never actually stopped. “As it turns out, they never did revoke my retinal scan access over on Black Pod 3,” explained Cheney.

Senator John Q. Republican told the press today, “As my record will attest, I do not trust the government, but I would allow them the discretion to pick me or anyone else up off the street, without due process, and send me to a secret prison indefinitely, with no trial, to be subjected to walling, sleep deprivation, waterboarding and rectal feeding, because I’m an American, damn it…but affordable health care for all? Are you kidding me? Those are death panels.”

When confronted with the fact that 25% of those incarcerated during the War on Terror were detained wrongly, Cheney said, “If there was even a one percent chance we could stop a terrorist attack I would stick a rectal feeding tube in the ass of every American. It never gets old, really. Besides, don’t you read polls, son? The majority of those polled are okay with me sticking them the pole. Get it? It’s a play on words, son. Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

The rest of the interview was later pulled and Warner Brothers is now suing the former Vice President for what they are calling, “The raunchiest and most perverse Foghorn Leghorn impersonation ever.”

Jesus of Nazareth told reporters today, “Blessed are the torturers. I’m glad Americans are finally taking a stand and doing the whole eye-for-an-eye thing, which is such a key lesson from the New Testa…shit.”

Jesus later recanted his statement claiming, “Actually, I’m pretty sure it’s from the Old Testashit.”