Tampa Bay, Fla—After announcing his presidential bid, Jeb Bush promptly resigned from the Board of Directors of Barclay’s, a multinational bank, Rayonier, one of the nation’s largest private landowners, and Tenet Healthcare Corporation. This week the Bush camp followed up these moves by severing ties with Cyberdyne, creators of artificial cyborgs, Soylent Corp., a cannibalistic offshoot of Monsanto, and Umbrella Systems, best known for a number of bio-weaponry and genetic engineering “mishaps”. Oh, and whatever the hell that company was from 28 Days Later.
Bush is claiming there is no correlation between his running for president and his decision to break all ties to these evil conglomerates. “I have no quarrel with any of these fine institutions, nor am I questioning their business practices,” said Bush. “These companies are the champions of industry and represent the very finest aspects of American entrepreneurialship, except maybe that turning-dead-people-into-food part.”
When asked about Cyberdyne’s creation and subsequent release of the T-virus, a bio weapon that caused several lengthy zombie sequels, Bush said, “I don’t agree with everything Umbrella is doing in those clandestine subterranean labs. The T-virus is not something I was made aware of during my tenor on their Board and, had I known about this, I would have shut that shit down circa Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004), not waited until Resident Evil: Retribution (2012). This certainly factored into my decision to step down. Look, I do not want to minimize the millions of deaths, the subsequent reanimations, the ultimate head shots that occurred during the T-virus outbreaks, but I do want to remind potential voters that I made a shit load of money during that time period.”
When asked about Soylent Corporation, Bush admitted, “Yes, yes, we all know Soylent Green is people, but that should not diminish their other tasty, non-people-related products. And, as for your next question, Skynet fell thanks to the quick thinking of that Connor kid and his mother, so can we just get passed that shit already?”
When asked about his current connection to Koch Industries, Bush ended the interview and stormed off.
