Topeka, KS—Not only is Topeka known for the “fag hating” Westboro Baptist church, it is also the home to the poster-child for republicana, Sam Brownback.  Governor Brownback told the press today, “The state of Kansas will be divided and subsumed by our four neighboring states. This is not a negative reflection on conservative economic policies. This is all part of a larger plan to make Puerto Rico a state and keep America’s overall number of states at a nice even 50.”

The Governor of Texas, Rick Perry, weighed in on the news. “I have never been more grateful for the Oklahoma panhandle than I am today. That tiny strip of land is keeping Texas from having to support parts of that shit show of a place. This will shift the burden of this failed state to Oklahoma, Nebraska, Colorado and uh…um…The fourth one, uh, I can’t. Sorry. Oops.”

Brownback also apologized to Rand and McNally as this is a big change to the lay of the land—no small point for one of the largest map makers in the country. The Governor then tried to highlight the positives, “This will not change the route of the Keystone Pipeline. This may even be an opportunity for the Keystone State to become involved, although looking at the map I can’t see how. We also get a lot of tornados here and maybe the new divided state won’t. Also, the folks who live in the northwestern section of Oknebourirado will become part of Colorado and will therefore immediately be eligible for Obamacare and marijuana. The rest of you are still pretty screwed.”

When asked about the name Oknebourirado, Brownback said, “Sorry, that’s just the interim name that we came up with for the state-formerly-known-as-Kansas. Eventually our four bordering states will just be larger. And I can probably guess your next question, I have no idea how this change will impact the rock band Kansas, but I’m sure they will carry on my wayward—oh, I can’t do that prepared joke. It’s terrible. This is not a laughing matter, not like my economic policies.”