Washington—In a fiery speech yesterday, President Biden made it clear that any premature attacks on Christmas during the upcoming holiday season would not be tolerated. “Be patient,” urged Biden, “At least wait until the Monday after Thanksgiving to start disrespecting our religious heritage and our country’s belief in Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, or any of Santa’s Merry Men. As the Sheriff on Nottingham once said, ‘Thou shallt not play holiday music in the department stores or display blinking lights before we eat turkey and watch football. We must first stuff our belly’s Friar-Tuck-style and then you can get back to consumerizing the meaning out of Christmas and/or mocking it outright.”

The Biden Administration has set up two separate hotlines to report any abuses. The first one is for early decorations 1(800) pre-Xmas, and a second line is to report any premature attacks on Christmas 1(800) ath-eist. Either transgression will be met with similar legal peril.

That’s all I got, folks. Sup, homies?