Pripyat, RU—The Chernobyl nuclear power plant, site of one of the worst nuclear accidents in history, has announced its intention to “get back into the gamma *cough* …the game.” In a recent interview with that Two Ferns guy, the #4 Reactor said, “We had a board meeting in March and thought, heck, with all the UFOs, pandemics, populism, and world strife, it’s probably time to climb back on that pale horse. Our facility is pretty safe these days, well, comparatively. We also finalized our new slogan: Chernobyl: Beats Detroit. We really wanted to reopen in 2020, but our project manager had a total meltdown. Ha, ha, ha, yeah, that one never gets old, but it does seem to have a half-life. So come on down and see our grand reopening! BYOB! …which means Bring Your Own Beta-radiation-detector. We are out.”

When asked about the ongoing dangers at the plant, an official Chernobyl spokesperson said, “There are some lingering dangers here. One of them we actually named the Lingering Danger, yeah, I would stay away from that. And don’t feed the giant radioactively enlarged ants, the CHUDS, Beast of Yucca Flats, the Hills Have Eyes mutants or those damnable toxic zombies. Thankfully, Godzilla is no longer an issue because he moved out shortly after Fukushima in 2011. Good riddance. But the future is bright, especially in that spot that still glows. Oh, and we hired a magician of a city planner, who planted some mall trees, but they turned into Triffids. We did nail down a contract with Jack in the Box. Studies suggest their food is actually better for you once irradiated. Bring the kids!”

The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, the creature from It Came From Beneath The Sea, and those giant radioactively enlarged grasshoppers from Beginning of the End were unavailable for comment.