Butler’s Warf, London—Upset Londoners described “a very loud, non-stop, and quite senseless barrage of artillery fire right in the middle of lunch.” Several pubs in the Butler’s Wharf pier area of central London responded to the attacks that originated from the north side of the Thames earlier this morning. Many are calling the response to the display “unprovoked” as the artillery rounds were simply part of the ceremony honoring yesterday’s passing of Prince Philip. Many local pub patrons, however, are “not having it” and remain incensed by the incursion. The misunderstanding rallied a mob of patrons, mostly from the Anchor Tap Pub, to responded by hurling beer bottles and insults while others recited parts of Churchills’ fight them on the beaches speech. One witness said, “Did you ever see the Movie Cockneys vs Zombies? It wasn’t anything like that.”

One southerner who participated in the short-lived insurrection said, “This means war! Or, it means something, I suppose. Probably those wankers over at the Brittania, or the Dickens Inn. Bunch of Dickens, if you ask me. We’re not going to take that sort of thing on the south side of the Thames, arseholes. Makes me want to dress up like a Bison-shaman and wave a confederate flag around old Westminister, or at least annex a curry joint or something, bloody northerners. Where’s Guy Fawkes when you need him?”