Dick Cheney at 1939 World’s Fair

Something sinister has happened to Vice President Dick Cheney. My suspicions were aroused after viewing a video clip, circa Desert Storm, wherein Mr. Cheney alludes to the insanity of a regime change in Iraq. He prognosticates that if Saddam Hussein were to be toppled, pieces of Iraq would “fly off,” ultimately leaving us stuck in a “quagmire.” (His words; my quotations; Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts). Equally stunning is the conclusion of the video, wherein Mr. Cheney is seen licking an ice cream cone and petting a small dog—possibly a pug—while warning of the dangers of global over-industrialization.

Since then, yours truly did some digging…and oh, what macabre truths have been unearthed. I believe that President Bush is simply a human ghoul guarding Cheney’s lair back at his ‘undisclosed location.’ If the opportunity arises, move in as close as possible to the VP, then whip out a shard of mirror or some other reflective surface to see if he casts an image. Sadly, our own roving reporter, Skippy Morowitz, was gunned down within inches of the VP while attempting this very feat.

Cheney’s former chief assistant, Lewis “Scooter” Libby, apparently played a more Renfield-like role. During his obstruction hearing last year, Libby sent this enigmatic message to New York Times reporter Judith Miller: “They turn in clusters, because their roots connect them.” What you may not know is that the postscript read: “Send juicy centipedes.” More intriguing was Cheney’s response to Scooter’s pardon. “It saves me the trouble of deciding whether to visit his jail cell in the form of a wolf or a greenish vapor.”

Some disbelievers may ask why most Cheney sightings continue to occur during daylight hours, but I’ve got two words for you skeptics: Adobe Photoshop. Speaking of which, perhaps the most compelling proof is the completely doctored photo seen at the right.

Several other theories have surfaced regarding Cheney’s atypical behaviors. These include, but are not limited to, alien abduction, Australian-rules cloning, mutant werewolf ninjas, and, perhaps least credible of all, the emergence of a Dormant Evil Gene (D.E.G.). Some of these theories may seem fantastic, even made up, but they do beg the question—is Dennis Kucinich a UFO?

Although the particulars remain up for debate, a growing truth is becoming apparent: Dick Cheney is a supernatural entity. If not a vampire then perhaps he’s a pod-person or possibly a zombie clone of some sort. How else could any administration pull off the most heinous expansion of executive powers since Howard Taft discovered marzipan?

The current administration is unimpeachable, unsympathetic, and, quite possibly, undead. Mounting evidence suggests Cheney is amassing Sauron-like powers in his de-Googlefied mountaintop fortress. That’s right, folks: his residence has been removed from Google satellite images, so even Tom Tom can’t find Dick Dick.

The final nail in the coffin is this: weeks before Skippy Morowitz’s tragic death, he secretly obtained this picture of what is believed to be Cheney’s new and improved residence:

Cheney’s new and improved residence

Vice President Cheney and his underlings can listen to our phone conversations, read our emails, and imprison and torture us without provocation or due process. But even he went too far when he added the following to his list of approved interrogation techniques (Christmas edition):

Ultimately, we must discover a way to destroy the seat of Cheney’s power: his sacred book, the Neo-Necronomicon, which is believed to be buried deep within his cadaver-sized safe along with Machiavelli’s The Prince, two missing CIA torture tapes, and the only known copy of Nixon: The Musical. We must recover and destroy these items…well, all of them except for the CIA tapes. We’d better hang on to those to defeat an equally diabolical monster: Frankenbush.