Washington, DC—Senator Mitch McConnell unveiled his plan to “break the last of the shit that’s still working” while on Meat Depress earlier today.  The republican leader believes his party can accomplish this important non-task by the end of Obama’s tenor. “By not actually doing anything,” said McConnell, “and by leaving the Capitol Building mid-session, it not only increases the likelihood of a republican president in 2016, but it also increases my own hourly wage, tenfold.”

When asked about blocking Loretta Lynch’s Attorney General nomination, McConnell said, “I was prepared to support the Loretta Lynn nomination, after all, I love Coal Miner’s Daughter. Who doesn’t?  In fact, I love all things country and all things coal. But then this black woman, who can’t sing a lick, walks into the room. I was mortified.”

Our own field reporter, Cokie McGrath, explained how by not confirming the Lynch nomination, Eric Holder could remain our Attorney General indefinitely. McConnell responded, “I agree that’s unfortunate, but the only thing I like less than a black man is a black woman.”

When McGrath pointed out how, as a woman, Lynch would likely earn only 86% of Holder’s salary, McConnell said, “You’re really selling this, young lady. I admire you for that. But, by actually taking action on something, it would go against our strategy of not doing anything. It’s like one of those congressional paradoxes. We could blow up the universe or something. I watch Cosmos too, you know—just not the parts that involve science. But I’ll tell you what, let’s see if Loretta can at least sing that song she did with Conway Twitty. Remember that? She sings a tune and that might change mine, although probably not.”