A cultural parasite festers within the taverns and barrooms of America. Machinery grinds at our souls and sucks at our wallets. When the internet jukebox first hit the scene, we were lured by the unlimited access to songs and the improved sound quality.

Of course there would be inherent costs to these cutting edge  ‘improvements’.  We knew up front that we’d be paying more for each selection and still more for the dubious super-search option. And just consider how often these jukeboxes falter to the whims of the internet gods…but don’t worry, it never fails to take your money.

The time has arrived for all citizens, patrons, bar owners, and staff to stand up and demand that this mechanistic monster of malaise be barred for life! I’m calling for a return to the old school jukeboxes. Bring back the CDs, or the Happy Days 45s, or why not give the short-lived 8-track jukebox another whirl? I’m ready to grab some bottles and cans and start clapping my hands. I’m Rick James, bitch.

The bars and taverns are at the heart of our democracy. It is here within the American barroom where constitutional principles first arose. In times of national and international crises, we return to the bars to reestablish the roots of American greatness. Belch. Not only does a Barroom Bill of Rights facilitate justice, it also fosters respect and dignity amongst the clientele and staff. Fart.

All persons, including patrons, owners, employees, and drunks have un-ale-ianable rights to life, festivity and the pursuit of lapdance chicks (what were talking about?). These rights may only be infringed upon if the person’s actions violate the barroom rules that apply to all. It is the behavior, not the person that is to be targeted by bouncers. Therefore it is not appropriate for a person to be expelled from the bar because he is deemed ‘weird’ or ‘a jerk’ or because theperson is simply intoxicated. It is appropriate to ask a person to leave for hitting, inappropriate touch, harassment, profanity, dress code violations, property damage or the over Abbafication of your jukebox selections. Specific behaviors that led to the expulsion must be provided (preferably in song, or, better yet, epic poetry).  Thus, a written explanation will be presented to the ejectee and a copy sent to a mediator (I’ll take a crack at it) to rule on its barroom constitutionality.

The bartender and staff always reserve the right to refuse service of alcohol for any or no reason, unless this refusal of service is based on racial, religious, or sexual discrimination.

All advertised pints must be at least 16 ounces. A pint should always be cheaper per once, than a mug. A pitcher should always be cheaper than a pint. And hear ye, hear ye, from this day forth all jukeboxes, young or old, are required to display the number of unplayed songs that have been selected, or else the bartender must give the customer his money back.

There you have it. And back to the music for a moment. I’m frankly tired of plugging five dollars into the jukebox at midnight to later find it shutoff at 2AM with no ‘Mr. Roboto.’ Secret, secret, I’ve got a secret…

• Article 1:Lose the ‘play now’ option? Just because some guy’s got money to burn, doesn’t give him the right to burn me!  The problem’s plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanize.
• Article 2:The right to bare women
• Article 3:Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo.