The Shoreline—In anticipation of some summer splashing followed by some summer organ-crashing, the Red Cross along with the Coast Gaurd have pooled their resources to open up a special shoreside service for those sickened by coronavirus. Why let a virus wreck your fun this summer? Each offshore floating hospital is equipped with a fully functioning intensive care unit, designed to get you back to your vacation itinerary as fast as possible, or there’s speedy burial-at-sea options for those party poopers among us.

“If you feel a fever kicking in, or worse, just paddle past the breakers and climb aboard,” said Captain Billy. “We can get most of you back to the beach in a few days, and all private insurances are accepted. But if you’re uninsured, or, worse, still hanging onto the remnants of Obamacare, keep paddling. Statistically, you’ll do better healthcare-wise across either ocean, if you make it a straight shot.”

President Trump added, “This is America at its finest. This is innovation. So I’m going to call them innovation care units. What’s the best part? The way they dump your ass overboard doesn’t make the final COVID tally, so it’s win-win …well, for me and the economy.”