Minneapolis, MN–Images of violent protesters not adhering to CDC-guidelines across the country has cast these arsonists and looters in an unnecessarily dark light. In an effort to both continue displaying their animosity toward local police and yet remain safe from COVID, the leaders of this nebulous mob have agreed to burn down only every other structure, a concession they feel is a suitable compromise “to burn and  break shit responsibly.“

President Trump said, “You can’t breathe?! Yeah, well I can’t think with all the noise outside! The only answer for people who don’t like how they’re being treated is to… uh, mistreat them further!! Look, I said I hated the tape!! I hated that arrest video almost as much as that Access Hollywood tape. And that’s a lot of hate for one president.”

As the violence spreads, several Governors are issuing dusk til dawn curfews, which are thus far not stemming the violence and only further infuriating local vampire populations. Area vampire, Nandor, told The Discord today, “You can’t go from everyone must stay inside and they can’t invite us inside because of this pandemic to everyone must stay inside and can’t invite us inside for all this loo-ting. It’s like going from bad to also bad.”