Petersburg, KY—Evangelicals have wrestled with the mounds of overwhelming Bible-conflicting data that dinosaurs roamed the Earth long before Jesus.  To their credit, some of these Christianists have successfully married vast quantities of conflicting dogma. You can learn all about these stunning revelations with a two day pass to the Creation Museum in Petersburg, KY.  The price tag is only $29.95, which is recommended, because it’s a lot of bullshit to swallow in just one day.  Creation Museumists posit that two of each dinosaur went with Noah on his fateful journey to Atlantis (OK, I never read the Bible, but I have rented Life of Brian twice).  The museum even features a saddled dinosaur that kids can ride, just like Jesus did (like Jesus would ever pay the cover).

Who could forget when Jesus said, “Blessed are the Meekasaurs.”

What compounds the Creation Museum’s Jurassic Ark Theory (JAT) is the recent discovery of some super-sized dinosaurs in South America, circa 100 million years ago (Christian translation = last Tuesday).  The average brontosaurus is about the size of four elephants, but Argentinosaurus was apparently the biggest land animal ever and was closer to one of those Lord of the Rings’ Olyphants.  To house two of each kind of these newly discovered monsters, Dr. Sterling Hogbein, of the Hogbein Institute and Humidor, estimates Noah’s Ark would have to be “really fucking big.”

Dr. Hogbein, most known for his anthropological binge drinking, also had this to say: “Argentinosaurus, no doubt, posed some engineering challenges for Noah that could only be explained by divine intervention.  Oh…”