Mclean, VA—During an interview with the Discord’s own Cokie McGrath, Dick Cheney became highly agitated today. Initially, the former Vice President presented as calm and answered questions ranging from the consequences of the Iraq War, to the irony of a homophobe having a lesbian daughter, to the economic collapse caused by his own arrogance. When McGrath mentioned the Torture Report, however, Cheney grabbed the PhotoShopped image of a kitten and began strangling it. “I like torture but I don’t like reports! This!! This is torture, you little bitch! Not that mambi-pambi shit we we’re doing to those war criminal, towelheads!”

When McGrath asked if similar acts ever occurred at Guantanamo Bay, the former Vice President released his vice-like grip on the kitten. “Not nearly as much as I would have liked. The Red Cross kept wanting to inspect the bodies. Bloody do-gooders, always checking on the bloody detainees. And here I thought this was America.”

While Cheney uttered several quotes from Senator Palpatine and Lord Voldemort, McGrath switched a nearby flat-screen to Rachel Maddow and used the distraction to climb down a lattice to safety. When asked to describe the scene, Cokie said, “It grew noticeably colder when Cheney entered the room and his eyes seemed to stare right through you. When we started he actually stood transfixed at the door of his own library and asked permission before entering. Weird, right? Thankfully I was able to save the PhotoShopped kitten. What really bothered me, though, was how at the end of each sentence I could swear I heard the name, Clarice. I have not been able to even look at a fava bean since.”