Newark, NJ—When a reporter asked Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ) about his decision to withdraw from the 2020 presidential race today, he said, “I want to spend more time with my family.” After a follow up question revealed he is currently single with no children, Mr. Booker backpedaled, mumbling something about, “Well, more time with somebody’s family, I guess. Look, I got shit to do, okay? I’m a busy man!”

When cornered, Senator Booker admitted, “I just couldn’t bear the thought of bookering another flight to Iowa. See what I did there? I’m like blowing off dates to go to Des Moines. Think about that. I did, a lot. I live in Newark. The only corn we see is …you know, I’m going to stop there in case I decide to run for president again in the future.”

President Trump said, “Now you and Kamala can get a room! No, really, I have great Valentines Day deals starting next week! Check out these great deals at my Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster. Tell them the president sent you for an additional twenty percent off! Book now, because the whole UN is going to be there too. Come on, with no traffic you’re like only an hour away, Cory. Or a week with traffic, but that’s Jersey. Am I right? Check out the savings for yourself. Hell, charge the Garden State. Christie did. Just make sure he doesn’t try to block any bridges. You gotta watch that guy.”