Barnes & Ignoble—John Bolton was again thrust into the spotlight yesterday as calls for the Former Security Adviser’s impeachment testimony grows to a deafening meh. Theories for Bolton’s reluctance to testify vary, but his voice becomes even more crucial as the president hones his latest misadventure: Operation Where’s Tehran Again? Bolton issued a statement today, “I have conflicting obligations regarding my potential congressional testimony, or lack thereof, in the upcoming, or not upcoming impeachment hearings, which I can neither confirm nor deny. There is my obligation as a citizen to testify to congress, but I also have an obligation to honor executive privilege. Thus far I have chosen to honor the wishes of the White House, because they gave me the opportunity to masturbate, not once but twice in the Pentagon’s War Room. I also have an obligation to the people of this great nation …to probably clean up after myself next time. But I can tell you this much, I will not be testifying anywhere until America stops confusing me with Grammy Award winner, Michael Bolton.”

John Bolton’s lawyer issued a statement today, “When my client, Mr. Bolton, referred to the Trump’s Ukraine dealings as a ‘drug deal,’ he meant that as a metaphor. A metaphor. There were no actual drugs involved in the alleged drug deal, or at least there were no drugs in Mr. Bolton’s system at the time as we directed him to some really good cleansing sites before hand.”

Bolton told the press today, “I was going to call my new book The Power Of Now Is The Time To Release My Book, but it was too much like that Oprah championed new age crap. If everyone buys my book and reads it, today, then I can testify with a clear conscience, knowing that there won’t be any spoiler alerts. I am currently being represented by Javelin Literary Agency, which is not only a cool name, but if you visualize a javelin it can help you masturbate in the War Room. Just sayin’.”

Funny Footnote: I actually know someone’s second cousin’s brother, who is knows one of Bolton’s lawyers. Seriously, not that scenario exactly, but I am like three degrees to Bolton right now! Special.

In related news, Former Security Adviser John Bolton Found Enriching Uranium In Basement.