In the chaos of world events and our declining economy, America has clearly entered uncertain times. We are all juggling multiple jobs, multiple credit cards, and multiple hookers (sorry Tiger).  And, as times get tighter and America decays under the weight of its own gluttony and greed, it is often harder to remember our moral priorities. This is where Fox News presents: The Five Reasons Why We Should Always Remember to Hate Homosexuals.

With the liberals telling us that love is always okay on one hand, and the GLBT movement demanding fair treatment on the other, a decent god-fearing Christian can often lose their way within the fog of human rights advocation. After all, we all know that Jesus believed we should love all mankind, unless, of course, they are different from us (Malkinicus 3:11).

I could not hope to replicate all the profound wisdom this educational program inspired, but I will do my best to give justice to their highlights:

1. Homosexuality isn’t natural.

Sure, a few hundred animal species are known to engage in homosexual behavior, but I have still never seen hot male-on-male koala action. After all, life can not be created without a male and female component (aside from all asexual creatures and that one Schwarzenegger movie). One can look at our Christian male God for instance. Yes, he created life without a female, and we all know he is obviously male. So a male can create life without a female, but he didn’t need another male, until he created his male companions. Sure he could have created female companions first, but God liked hanging out with dudes. Yeah, it was a big sausage fest up in heaven, that’s for sure, but he didn’t need their help to create more males and then a few more males. You follow?

Review time: God is male; he liked hanging out with other males; he only created males at first, and he didn’t need a woman to create more and more males.

2. Homosexuality destroys the family unit.

Families should have two parents; we all know this. And just because the parents love each other and their children, doesn’t make things right. Children need to be raised by parents of each gender, unless, of course, one parent has died, or the couple has become divorced, or the children have been taken away from abusive parents. So besides the above (which constitutes about two thirds of American families), we would not want to compromise our children with other types of loving parents.

3. Homosexuality is a cult that recruits our children.

We all know that no one would want to be a homosexual voluntarily, therefore our young must somehow be brainwashed by older homosexuals who wish to take advantage of their young fit bodies (code name: NAMBLA). Of course most children know they are different long before they are ever contacted by other homosexuals, but if we could just conceal the fact that homosexuality even exists, then these children might not know why they are different and would just remain uncertain, confused, alienated, and at higher risk of substance abuse and suicide for the rest of their lives.  You know, the way God intended. Saying that our youth can only become homosexual through converting them by others also brings up the point that there must be some first homosexual somewhere, perhaps one of those male angels getting bored in Heaven so long ago.

4. Homosexuality sets a bad example.

This is undeniable, aside from the deniable parts. In this modern world of pollution, war, lack of resources, and overpopulation, we all know that the job of a good Christian is to have as many babies as possible so we can continue the wars that help us steal resources from the infidels. More homosexuals mean less children for our holy wars. Also, this would end up using less resources and that is just plain Un-American.

5. Homosexuality is decadent and wrong.

For many people this is the strongest argument. First off Lesbians spoil women. All women will soon be expecting to have an organism each time they have sex and that is a lot of extra work for most of Fox’s uninventive viewers. As far as gay men go, well that is just gross, am I right? And there are more of them than lesbians too. Some experts believe that 5% of all males are homosexual! Now, we all know that it is okay for 50% of the world’s population to have sex with men, but it is certainly not okay for 52.5% of the world’s population to be doing so.

It is our hope that we here at Fox have finally laid this matter to rest so we can move forward with our lives free of the fear associated with having our fellow alternative-lifestyles Americans (FALA) taking the Land of the Free to mean that they are free to do what they like with other consenting adults.