Washington, DC – Homeland Security Chief, Janet Napolitano, has unveiled her airline screening plan to have passengers tuck their shoes under one armpit while twirling their underwear on the alternate fingers.

“The frequently incontinent will not stand for this,” warned activist Dribbly McSkidmarck.

When asked about the recent intelligence failures, Napolitano said, “Look, we can’t stop every known terrorist who wants to bring explosives onto a plane.  But what we can do is continue to make everyone miserable who tries to board with bottled water.”

When reminded how the passengers on the Detroit flight actually used water to put out the fire, Napolitano said, “Sure, in this case, but usually water is highly unstable.”     

Rather than playing the blame game, Napolitano is calling for a full investigation into her own competence.

CIA Director Leon Panetta suggested, “Maybe it [her competence] just fell behind the couch.”

FBI Director Robert Mueller immediately countered, “Of course, we checked behind the couch, dipshit. I guess we ‘forgot’ to tell you guys.”

The House Intelligence Committee believes her competence may have snuck over the Mexican border while she was still governor of AZ.

Unhappy with any of the explanations, Napolitano said, “I am raising the national threat level to one of those other colors, until some idea of my relative competence can be ascertained.”