The Congressional Budget Office released July’s deficit numbers and, in the immortal words of Warren Zevon, it ‘aint that pretty at all. On top of the usual tax cuts and heavy spending, the CBO is also tracking what the president is climbing on top of. Hooker Pay Offs, Hush Money, and Prison Hits were not even spending categories prior to President Trump taking the reigns, and, if leaked images prove accurate, the Ball-Gag and Leash categories as well. Head of the CBO, Bob Excel, said, “Paying off hookers has only managed to escort our deficits all the way to the proverbial Penthouse. See what I did there? It’s kind of like an ouroboros, or a snake eating some hooker’s tail kind of thing …uh, and then the necessary billions to make the problem slither away. We’re attempting to lower costs by keeping some of these executive escort services in-house, but Ivanka is not returning our calls.”

Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) suggests hiring the Secret Service through an NRA-friendly escort service, “The president needs protection and *cough* protection, so why not combine both to save money? I use Honey Guns, Buns & Ammo and Gunclit Depot, but there are others to choose from like: The Rough Rifles, Guns Slurplus, The AK69s—

[Editor’s Note: I removed the other 19 related jokes. Jesus Christ, Zano!]

Hey, let me guess, Republicans are going to have an excuse for the next global recession that they’re currently fomenting, so please participate in the following un-unscientific Discord poll:

Who will Trump try to blame for the coming recession?

A. The Fed
B. Obama
C. The New Mod Squad
D. Barney Frank
E. The Dixie Chicks
F. The AK69s.