Washington, DC—The Justice Department has both opened and closed the case on the death of accused sex-trafficker and socialite, Jeffery Epstein. AG William Barr ordered the Inspector General to open the investigation into the circumstances surrounding Epstein’s suspicious death while in federal custody and then finalized the report, in what many are calling an orchestrated effort to end the Justice Department’s inquiry, roughly seventeen minutes later, to coincide with a presidential tweet on the same subject.
The head coroner of the Federal Bureau of Prisons released a report on the incident, which confirms that Epstein’s death was ruled a promicide, as the facility was enjoying a mock senior-prom-type celebration during which Epstein both failed to find a date and then fell into a vat of a gelatinous substance containing a highly lethal strain of the Epstein-Barr virus. Since the virus was contracted via a top secret executive order, many are calling this a rare form of Monarchonucleosis, a virus designed to attack the loosendic lymph nodes of those deemed legal threats.
